Non-Paternity Event Explains My Yearning for a Horse
A “non-paternity event” has broken the chain of the royal line and there is no reason to believe that I should not be the next Queen of England.
The Thaulows were Vikings mercenaries who arrived with flowing blonde locks on England’s shores in 1066 with the French King, William the Conqueror, also known as William the Bastard, explaining why the English have branded the French with the B word ever since.
Beneath an autumn sky, in what became known as the Battle of Hastings, William’s armies set about slaughtering the English. King Harold bled to death when an archer put an arrow through his eye, and William was crowned king on Christmas Day 1066.
The Thaulows celebrated on a Viking non-paternity event spree of ravaging and pillaging that went on for two centuries. They rounded off those guttural edges changing Thaulow to Thurlow, and, according to family legend, went to all the best parties.
Non-Paternity Event & the Genome
My designs on the throne began in 2012, when archaeologists dug up the bones of Richard III where Greyfriars Abbey had once stood in the Leicestershire countryside and planners have, in modern times, turned into a car park. Richard (he of the limp and: “A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse,”) was entombed at the Abbey in 1485 after being run through by an enemy sword at the Battle of Bosworth.
After thorough research to confirm the bones found in the car park are indeed those of Richard III, DNA testing has now revealed the shocking news that the present residents of Buckingham Palace have no Y-chromosome lineage to Richard. Genome data and radiocarbon dating found not a ghost of blue blood. Not a tic or a limp. Zilch.
The results, published in the journal Nature Communications, the authors risking exile or banishment to the Tower, state clearly that there had been a “non-paternity event” – the English way of saying a tumble on the wrong side of the bedsheets, a bit on the side. Maybe more than a bit.
Leicester University’s Dr Turi King (with that name clearly another candidate for succession) told reporters that the lack of a match on the male side “came as no surprise” because research had shown a 1-2% rate of “false paternity” per generation. Do the maths.
Non-Paternity Event Through Time
From the death of Richard III in 1485 to the life of George III (1728 – 1828), kings have been cuckolds and queens have indulged in the non-paternity event as if there is no tomorrow. And in royal circles, that is often the case.
Why my claim? First, as enthusiasts of the non-paternity event, Thaulow women are infamously promiscuous and, second: 700 years after my Viking ancestors crunched over the pebbles at Hastings, Edward, 1st Baron Thurlow (1731 – 1806) rose under George III from humble backbencher in Parliament to Lord Chancellor, a post he clung on to under four Prime Ministers for fourteen years – ignoring his wife and daughters.
What do bored women do when their men are climbing the heights of their own ambitions? When there are no security cameras or telephoto lenses? It suggests to me that, with desire and opportunity, a Thurlow woman, indeed, almost any woman, has over the last five centuries, opened her legs for a royal non-paternity event, her offspring grafted to the Royal Family Tree.
It struck me that I should have my DNA tested for royal genes after seeing the portrait of Richard III in the National Portrait Gallery (compare Richard and the profile picture on this page) and discerned a surprising similarity in our eyes, nose, chin and frown. If more conclusive evidence is needed, of late, I have developed a limp and a yearning for a horse.
Any lawyer valiant enough to come forward with a gracious pro-bono offer, I shall reward with a knighthood; even a peerage. That’s how it works.
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