Friday With a Side of Shame

Photo courtesy of http://www.eatliver.com/1. Damn you candy-filled plush pumpkin trick-or-treat bag. Now I'm going to have to lie to my daughter about where all her candy went and it's not even Halloween yet.

2. I hate you excercise bikes at the gym with your come hither seats and sweat-free settings. I'm sitting, I'm reading, I'm barely cycling, I'm not sweating. It's happening.

3. Go to hell crate of cleaning supplies mocking me from the linen closet. You too vacuum cleaner with a layer of dust on top. And I'm looking at you full dishwasher of clean dishes. You can all just suck it. SUCK IT.

4. Hey, screw you stove. How dare you judge me? So what if we've eaten out all week. It was kid's night at Donatos. Lydia had the time of her life. You just stand there all pretentious with your rows of burners and fancy buttons. The next time the power goes out, I'm not resetting your clock. Deal with it.

5. Thermostat? Yeah, you. It's 60 degrees out and it's kind of chilly in here. I'm too lazy to go upstairs to get a sweatshirt. Warm up my house, biatch.

6. Well, hello Microsoft Word. Yes, I know I'm supposed to be writing an outline and fixing our cluster of a WIP, but The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is calling my name. Smell ya later.

7. What's that you say, skinny jeans? Yes, I do realize two glasses of wine and carboloading like a marathoner isn't going to get my ass into you any sooner. And no, actually at this point in time I really don't care. There's nothing wrong with an elastic waistband, dammit.

8. Hi there, fellow preschool moms. Why yes, that handsome young man in the rock n' roll t-shirt shouting profanities into the pretend phone is my son. What's that? You want to cancel our playdate next week? Yeah, well your kid just stuck a straw up someone else's nose, so now might be a good time to dismount from that high horse of yours. You're welcome.

9. Good morning social worker from child services. Yes, I'm aware that it's frowned upon to scream like a lunatic while attempting to get three children out of the house fully dressed in the morning. No, I have no intention of changing my tactics at this point in time unless you count bribing them with Halloween candy? No? Guess we'll just have to agree to disagree then.

10. You know what sleep, you can just SUCK IT. Yeah, that's right. I have a newborn, I'm trying to write a book and I hate that we're involved in this crazy codependent relationship where I need you. I just can't quit you, sleep. But I'll try dammit. I. Will. Try.

Wow. We feel 10 pounds lighter and we didn't even have to pretend to break a sweat at the gym. Score.

Happy Friday guys!