"I keep secrets hidden beneath my skin like you would keep a cigarette behind your back in case one..."

“

I keep secrets hidden beneath my skin like you would keep a cigarette behind your back in case one of your parents walked outside in the middle of your cooling off. This is what I do, this is how I manage, this is how I make things make sense and keep things to myself.

I don’t mean to be a mystery to you but the more you try to open me up the more I will close myself. I don’t do it to make you feel less at home or to make you feel as if I don’t care, but I do it for myself. I do it because it’s the only way I’ve survived. But you were a secret that made its way to the surface of my skin for the entire world to see.

You, yourself and your ethereal being were too bright to be hidden in the darkness that is myself. I didn’t mean to try to keep you in the dark but I also didn’t mean for you to find out that’s what I was doing all along. I should have known you were better, more clever, that you were not one to be pushed in the closet until the person with the key was ready to show you off.

So I’m sorry. Sorry for everything. Sorry that I made you feel less important than you really were because I can’t get used to things like public intimacy, growing closer, building a home inside of someone whose structure may not hold up as well as mine.

I hope you can forgive me one day. I hope you can forget about the way I treated you when I wanted to be seen as someone who didn’t care, someone who could leave without notice, someone who would never be broken unless they broke themselves.

So please, if you can, if you can find some leftover space in your heart for someone who was never worthy of that warmth to begin with, try to forgive me. Try to see that it was all a disguise, all a way of protecting, all a way to show me just how much you really did and still do mean to me.

”

- "I haven’t written anything in days because when I do the only thing that comes out is your name, my apology and a confession to how much I really do miss you,"