In Stephan We Trust: A Mission for Pearls Before Swine Fans Everywhere

The parking lot I park in here in Santa Rosa no longer has a person that takes your money at the gate.  They have one of those little parking machines you have to find and put your money in.

The fee was three bucks, so I put in a five-dollar bill and got two dollars back in change.

At least that's what I thought.

When I took a closer look, I saw that I had received two coins, each with former President Franklin Pierce on them.

In short, I was the victim of a practical joke.

I say that with great confidence because if you look up Franklin Pierce on Wikipedia, you'll see that the sum of his accomplishments is this:

"When the issue (of slavery) flamed up early in his administration, Pierce did little to cool the passions it aroused, and sectional conflicts reignited."

That last phrase is a fancy word for that little Civil War we had a few years later.  And that thing was a mess.

Wikipedia ends the article with this nice little summary:

"Pierce has been ranked among the least effective Presidents."

Okay, so my guess is that someone here in Santa Rosa is minting coins in his basement.  Which is fine, really.  My only comment to him or her is that they could have picked someone funnier.  Liberace and Scottie Pippen come to mind.

Now the even worse scenario here is that the coin is somehow REAL and that the U.S. Mint has finally gotten so low on the List of People Whose Heads Should Be On Coins that we're down to idiots who caused the Civil War.

I doubt it, but if that's somehow the case, surely my coin cannot be far behind.  I mean, consider this:

1)  I'm an idiot.

2) I've ignited sectional conflicts (I once angered the entire nation of Turkey);

3) My hair is more stylish than that of Franklin Pierce.  Which is not to say mine is stylish.  But please, look at this goofy mess.  And don't say it's a 19th century thing.  Because Lincoln was from that era, and except for that mole, he looks great.

So if you have some pull at the U.S. Mint, please, make things happen.  And I don't want to be pushy, but I'd like it done quickly enough so that the next time I park at that lot in Santa Rosa (probably next Wednesday), my change will have me on it.  And to make this as easy as possible, I've even located a photograph of me that I think would be nice on a coin.

It's me eating a crawdad I found in a nearby swamp.

I've carefully chosen this pose because it's symbolic of how it's a "dog-eat-dog" world and you have to fight for every dollar you earn.  And that makes way more sense than that silly pyramid with the eye over it on the dollar bill.

So please, if you have enough time to read to this point, you have a few seconds more to contact the Treasury Department and make this happen.  And for bonus points, send me their response, which I'll post here.  The worst they can say is no.  Which is doubtful, since they're down to Mr. Funny Hair.

And please, no requesting your own face on the coin.  While you too may be an idiot, I thought of it first.