All Growed Up

I almost don’t want to mention this for fear of something going wrong in the next nine days – a little like not talking about a pregnancy in the first three months, but – on the whole – much less serious. However, sod it. I feel the need.

You may remember I mentioned in the last update that I’d met a woman. Well, a couple of weeks ago, we decided to move in together. We set a date for February 2015, as I’d be house-sitting in London till sometime around then. But then we started looking at properties and we found a pretty perfect-looking house that was available to rent almost immediately. So even though we won’t be able to move in there together for another nine weeks, we’ll actually take up tenancy (references permitting) in nine days.

So there you have it. I won’t be living in Chiang Mai after all. I’ll be living in the countryside outside Cambridge, a hop, skip and half-marathon from the city centre in a little village called Great Chishill.

Pronounced, as far as I am aware, like this.

So I won’t be feasting on street food and struggling with tonal inflections. I’ll be going on long walks with soppy dogs and sawing the heads off deer.

(Incidentally, any deer that are skinned, dismembered and eaten – such as the one pictured above – will have been previously killed in traffic incidents. They will then be spared the ignominy of rotting by the side of the road and will be made full and excellent use of in pies, pâtés, ornaments, hats, scarves and haunting photography.)

Another thing I wasn’t expecting that may well will definitely be the case, is that by the time I move house, I will be driving. I’ll be a driver. An excellent driver.

A friend in France told me about a place called The L Factor, based in Blackpool, where they do two-week intensive courses for absolute beginners. So that’s what I’m doing. The course begins on Monday 24th November, and my test is already booked in for Friday 5th December. Plus I get to spend two weeks in Blackpool. I’ve never been to Blackpool, but I imagine every street looks exactly like this…

As you can imagine, I’m excited. Not about Blackpool per se, but about everything else. I feel like finally, I may be about to become a grown-up. Which doesn’t mean I intend to stop being a child – not entirely – but rather that I’m ready – and willing – to start being a lot more responsible.

What this means in turn is that I need to start making enough money to afford the trappings of responsibility (primarily rent, insurance and a car. A car!). So I need to find some work. This is where – potentially – you come in.

As soon as I move, I can start teaching in Cambridge – that won’t be a problem. I also intend to set myself up as a walking tour guide in both English and Italian, but that will take a little longer. I also intend to carry on earning what I can from translations and of course, from writing. But as I won’t be moving in till January, what I’d really like is something to be getting on with in the meantime, over the next couple of months.

I’m asking all my Italian friends if they know anyone who needs anything translating into English, but let’s not forget, people may have English-language needs too. In fact, maybe you have English-language needs. Yes, you. Maybe you need help with content for your website, or with a personal letter to a long-lost relative that you just keep putting off. Or maybe it’s something dreadfully mundane like a business plan, or a vicious complaint letter to a quality pâté manufacturer. Whatever your writing needs, look no further. I’m here to help.

Alternatively, maybe you live in London and you need your dogs walking in December or January, or your garden taming. I’m very good at taming things. Look, here I am hard at work taming a sous-terrace…

Actually, that’s not a bad idea. I bet there are loads of you out there who have overgrown gardens that you can never find the time to put in order. Do you have such a garden? Is it an absolute jungle? Wouldn’t you just love to have someone come and fix it up for you in time for the new year? You would? Then I’m your man.

Or maybe you have some redecorating that you need doing? Or an old shed that needs knocking down and burning? Again, I am very much your man. I can do all that. I have many strings to my bow. In actual fact, my bow is almost entirely made up of strings. So please, if you have anything you need doing, do drop me a line and I’m sure we can come to some arrangement.

(Oh, and if you happen to be Helen Tumbridge and you’ve been brought here by a Google alert, well, you, I know, can definitely use me. Believe me, I can come up with hundreds of those quips, and my rates are unbelievably reasonable. Please … get in touch.)

So there we are.

Wish me luck. Give me work. Leave a comment.