Butthurt Nation
I’ve been thinking a lot lately of the prayer of St. Francis. Now, I’m not religious. If anything, I’ve more and more embraced a self-identity as an atheist. However, this prayer (which I learned in a song version in Episcopal preschool) contains some messages that I think are more important today than ever:
O Master, Grant that I may never seek;
As much to be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love with all my so-o-oul.
What does the prayer of St Francis have to do with being butthurt? I’m getting there—I swear.
In my lefty, liberal, culturally sensitive world lately, I’ve noticed a tendency of people to create videos, art, blog posts aimed to highlight inequality, prejudice and various isms that are overlooked in day to day life. This includes the video of street harassment in New York City, the recent series of photos showing how people look at an overweight woman, an article on the death of an atheist and anti-war activist, and a poster campaign in the hip neighborhood near where I live that critiques the gentrification and “straightification” of the area.
Here’s the thing—some of these critical works I agree with, and some I don’t. BUT…I wonder… When people create art-as-illustration for how they feel objectified or hurt, does this art have the intended effect? Does it reach the people it’s intended to reach? Assuming art aims at social change—is this art really changing society?
When I saw the video of the woman being catcalled in New York City, I felt a jolt of familiarity. Yes. I’ve felt that pain and humiliation. Her butthurt was my butthurt. However, the backlash against the video included scores and scores of men feeling butthurt. And I know the standard thought is that any man who’s defensive must be an asshole.
But, I ask you, really?
Is it possible that some men who felt defensive were just normal guys. Maybe ones with their own problems who’ve experienced their own insults and injuries? More to the point—is this video actually going to stop anyone from catcalling? None of the guys I know catcall. They’re all nice, feminist type guys. But some of them did get defensive. Moreover, a woman I really like and agree with about a lot of things thought the video was dumb. I disagreed, but why were we even having the disagreement? Who cares?? If two women in progressive Seattle disagree over how hurt a person should be about catcalling—what does this actually have anything to do with sexism?
Nothing. Seriously, nothing. It doesn’t help women in abusive relationships. It doesn’t grant anyone birth control or abortion rights. All it does is stir up even more butthurt, between people who actually agree with each other.
Ditto the photo series about the overweight woman being given the stink eye. Personally, I thought a lot of people just happened to look at her, and I didn’t really see any judgement in most glances. I have no idea how people look at me when I pass because I’ve never thought to photograph them without their permission. And I tend to think that other peoples’ opinions of me are none of my business.
However, I do think it’s horrendous how the obese are underserved by the medical community. I certainly don’t think anyone deserves to be shamed for how they look. In most areas that matter, I AGREE with people who would look at those series of photos and see hatred and scorn. What do I really disagree with them about? The expressions on faces of people in photos. And seriously, how much does that matter? Bickering over whether some stranger in a photograph is frowning, smirking or just resting their eyes is an idiotic waste of time.
When people express butthurt, they almost never hit the target they aim for. Like, this article I read about the death of an atheist took issue with how his obituary decided to say he was looking down from heaven.
Now…is that annoying? Yeah. Maybe a little. Is it outrageous? Incendiary? Enough to get butthurt over? No.
Why? Because religious people are really not going to understand how Christening a person post-mortem is insulting. And the rest of the people…honestly don’t give a shit. The only people who are going to read this article are atheists.
If Atheists want more recognition, they need to get more organized. They need to form groups, create a unified message, explain and promote their stance in a way that others can understand and respect. In other words, Atheists need to stop complaining and instead do something useful. That’s the thing about online butthurt: it doesn’t DO anything. It just undoes things.
My latest problem with butthurtedness has come from a campaign in an area close to where I live. Some of the businesses and residents have decided they don’t want straight people mucking up their bars and clubs. Now, I can understand this to a point. Some gay clubs have gotten seriously overrun so they are more straight than gay, In the case of one place I know, it’s small—so if a group of 5-6 straight people get on the dancefloor at the same time, it can feel like the gay clientele have been pushed to the side.
Apparently, some of the straight people are rude, aggressive and homophobic—I’ve never seen this, but I’m sure it happens. As a result, some of the bars and clubs have updated their signage discourage straight patrons.
“No hipsters, bridesmaids, assholes, homophobes, princesses, trust fund kids…” is how a lot of signs are phrased. And my least favorite, “We came here to get away from you.”
The problem is, no one self-identifies as an “asshole.” Ditto hipsters. Actual hipsters never think they are hipsters. In fact, I’d argue that most people who would put up a sign saying, “No hipsters” are themselves hipsters.
I’m all for signage that tells people they are in a GAY bar, and to behave accordingly. However, when you vent your frustration via an all-emcompassing sign, you have to realize a lot of people are going to feel your anger who are not actually your target.
Like me. I’ve lived in or near the area for 20 years and am a lifelong supporter of gay rights. Despite being an advocate (or more likely BECAUSE of it) my feelings are hurt by these signs. And that’s sad, because the people who posted the signs probably don’t aim to hurt me. At least, I don’t think they do.
They want to hurt *someone*, and the anger bubbles over. It creates a divide where there really isn’t one. Here’s where the Prayer of St. Francis comes in.
In this world, everyone is clamoring to be heard, to be appreciated, and more than anything to be UNDERSTOOD. Art, signs and blog posts all beg, “Hear me! Understand me! Tell me I’m right!”
What if, for a a little while, we all followed the advice in the Prayer of St. Francis? Instead of screaming to be understood, we took a step back and tried to understand one another. Instead of demanding love at gunpoint, we could work on spreading love.
There is sexism in this world. And homophobia, fat shaming, fear of atheists… All these ills exist and need to be addressed. But we’ll address problems a lot better as friends than as enemies. Splitting hairs never got anyone anywhere.
My goal for the next week is to not get butthurt. I’ll spend twice as long trying to understand other people than I do trying to get them to understand me.
I bet if we all tried that, the world a better place. 
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