Fall First Hop Critique 4
I'll give a shot at some first page comments. Keep in mind that feedback on a first page is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.
Anyone with a finished or unfinished manuscript is welcome to join until November 14th. Go here to join.Random number generator picks 3!
Here is the first page without comments:YA Scifi
SYNTHESIS
I weave through the crowd, a blonde speck of determination in a sea of indifference. A dog-walker and his tangle of mutts blocks my path, a businessman on a phone cuts me off. Even the sidewalks in L.A. have traffic jams. Stupid cracked radiator—no way I’ll make it in time.
I leap over a yapping Pomeranian, spin around a parking meter, but force myself not to run—can’t look sweaty teaching pampered rich kids how to multiply.
Of course, if I hadn’t quit gymnastics, Mom wouldn’t force me to pick up extra tutoring shifts to pay for the car repairs. She gave some speech about learning self-reliance, but I know it’s punishment for deviating from her perfect plan for my life. Control issues much?
The glass storefront with the Haverstein Academy’s faux-Ivy-League logo looms before me. Smile, Emily, only two more years ‘til college and freedom.
A honk and squeal make me turn toward the street where a shiny chrome grill and two headlights hop the curb and barrel at me like a charging beast. On instinct, I do a back handspring, like from one of my old floor routines. My hands slam into the rough concrete, the car hurtles past my toes. I push off, still spinning, a blur of black metal in front of me. The car slams into the building in an explosion of glass and noise. The blast and my momentum throw me to the ground, breath whooshing from my lungs. What the hell just happened?
And with my crazy comments:
YA Scifi
SYNTHESIS
I weave through the crowd, a blonde speck of determination in a sea of indifference (The second part reads a little weird to me. How can she see herself as a blonde speck. Maybe just-- I weave through the indifferent crowd. At this moment the fact that she's small and blonde doesn't matter.) . A dog-walker(I don't find this hyphenated anywhere on the web.) and his tangle of mutts(negative) blocks my path, a businessman on a phone cuts me off. Even the sidewalks in L.A. have traffic jams(Very subjective, but this comment feels rather stale to me. Like something that has been explored way too much.). Stupid(negative) cracked radiator—no way I’ll make it in time.(negative)
I leap over a yapping Pomeranian, spin around a parking meter, but force myself not to run—can’t look sweaty teaching pampered(negative) rich kids how to multiply.
Of course, if I hadn’t quit gymnastics, Mom wouldn’t have forced me to pick up extra tutoring shifts to pay for the car repairs(negative). She gave some speech about learning self-reliance, but I know it’s punishment for deviating from her perfect(negative) plan for my life. Control issues much? (This last might push the character too far into negative territory. She's already pretty negative. Personally, I don't want to read or care about a snotty character.)
The glass storefront with the Haverstein Academy’s faux-Ivy-League logo looms appears (Feels like looms is too dramatic. Nothing very exciting here to require a verb like looms.) before me. Smile, Emily, only two more years ‘til college and freedom(negative).
A honk and a squeal make me turn me toward the street where a shiny chrome grill and two headlights hop the curb and barrel at me like a charging beast. On instinct, I do a back handspring, like from one of my old floor routines. My hands slam into the rough concrete, the car hurtles past my toes. I push off, still spinning, a blur of black metal in front of me. The car slams into the building in an explosion of glass and noise. The blast and my momentum throw me to the ground, breath whooshing from my lungs. (I'd start a new paragraph here.) What the hell just happened?
I like the action at the end very much. I'm curious as to what happened. However, even though this is a really strong entry, the tone of the character has driven me away. I really don't care how she is afterward, just why the car is on the sidewalk. Almost every line has something negative in it. Personally, that turns me off. The MC comes across as bitter and whiny.
There are ways to rephrase to make it less negative. For example, Keep smiling, Emily, two more years 'til college and getting out on your own. It's longer but it makes her seem less snippy less chafing, and more longing to be independent. Another example: A dog walker and his tangle of assorted breeds impedes my path.
It could be that I deal with whiny preteens who won't take responsibility for themselves all day at work and that has turned me off. But I prefer an MC who owns up to their choices instead of blaming others (mom). Keep in mind this is only my own opinion and is just one viewpoint.
Anyone with a finished or unfinished manuscript is welcome to join until November 14th. Go here to join.Random number generator picks 3!
Here is the first page without comments:YA Scifi
SYNTHESIS
I weave through the crowd, a blonde speck of determination in a sea of indifference. A dog-walker and his tangle of mutts blocks my path, a businessman on a phone cuts me off. Even the sidewalks in L.A. have traffic jams. Stupid cracked radiator—no way I’ll make it in time.
I leap over a yapping Pomeranian, spin around a parking meter, but force myself not to run—can’t look sweaty teaching pampered rich kids how to multiply.
Of course, if I hadn’t quit gymnastics, Mom wouldn’t force me to pick up extra tutoring shifts to pay for the car repairs. She gave some speech about learning self-reliance, but I know it’s punishment for deviating from her perfect plan for my life. Control issues much?
The glass storefront with the Haverstein Academy’s faux-Ivy-League logo looms before me. Smile, Emily, only two more years ‘til college and freedom.
A honk and squeal make me turn toward the street where a shiny chrome grill and two headlights hop the curb and barrel at me like a charging beast. On instinct, I do a back handspring, like from one of my old floor routines. My hands slam into the rough concrete, the car hurtles past my toes. I push off, still spinning, a blur of black metal in front of me. The car slams into the building in an explosion of glass and noise. The blast and my momentum throw me to the ground, breath whooshing from my lungs. What the hell just happened?
And with my crazy comments:
YA Scifi
SYNTHESIS
I weave through the crowd, a blonde speck of determination in a sea of indifference (The second part reads a little weird to me. How can she see herself as a blonde speck. Maybe just-- I weave through the indifferent crowd. At this moment the fact that she's small and blonde doesn't matter.) . A dog-walker(I don't find this hyphenated anywhere on the web.) and his tangle of mutts(negative) blocks my path, a businessman on a phone cuts me off. Even the sidewalks in L.A. have traffic jams(Very subjective, but this comment feels rather stale to me. Like something that has been explored way too much.). Stupid(negative) cracked radiator—no way I’ll make it in time.(negative)
I leap over a yapping Pomeranian, spin around a parking meter, but force myself not to run—can’t look sweaty teaching pampered(negative) rich kids how to multiply.
Of course, if I hadn’t quit gymnastics, Mom wouldn’t have forced me to pick up extra tutoring shifts to pay for the car repairs(negative). She gave some speech about learning self-reliance, but I know it’s punishment for deviating from her perfect(negative) plan for my life. Control issues much? (This last might push the character too far into negative territory. She's already pretty negative. Personally, I don't want to read or care about a snotty character.)
The glass storefront with the Haverstein Academy’s faux-Ivy-League logo looms appears (Feels like looms is too dramatic. Nothing very exciting here to require a verb like looms.) before me. Smile, Emily, only two more years ‘til college and freedom(negative).
A honk and a squeal make me turn me toward the street where a shiny chrome grill and two headlights hop the curb and barrel at me like a charging beast. On instinct, I do a back handspring, like from one of my old floor routines. My hands slam into the rough concrete, the car hurtles past my toes. I push off, still spinning, a blur of black metal in front of me. The car slams into the building in an explosion of glass and noise. The blast and my momentum throw me to the ground, breath whooshing from my lungs. (I'd start a new paragraph here.) What the hell just happened?
I like the action at the end very much. I'm curious as to what happened. However, even though this is a really strong entry, the tone of the character has driven me away. I really don't care how she is afterward, just why the car is on the sidewalk. Almost every line has something negative in it. Personally, that turns me off. The MC comes across as bitter and whiny.
There are ways to rephrase to make it less negative. For example, Keep smiling, Emily, two more years 'til college and getting out on your own. It's longer but it makes her seem less snippy less chafing, and more longing to be independent. Another example: A dog walker and his tangle of assorted breeds impedes my path.
It could be that I deal with whiny preteens who won't take responsibility for themselves all day at work and that has turned me off. But I prefer an MC who owns up to their choices instead of blaming others (mom). Keep in mind this is only my own opinion and is just one viewpoint.
No comments have been added yet.
