Mars Day 24: The Gate-keeper
Bad news Ablo. I have an opponent.
“Who would dare to challenge you for supreme leader sir?”
A Green named Illariah. What am I going to do Ablo? My sham democracy is crashing down on upon me.
“We could smear her. Call her a slut!”
How can we do that? We’ve got the whole planet on a mission to fornicate and procreate. Calling her a slut would be a compliment.
“We could accuse her of using little rubber things during intercourse.”
That’s not enough Ablo. We need something ugly. Something with sharp teeth.
“You want to sick Nancy Pelosi on her?”
No Ablo, I was using metaphors. But you might just have something there. We need to sick the dogs on her.
“Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton?”
Ablo, you’ve named three people who are hard at work doing the same thing to my country as we’re doing here on Mars…but they’re not the answer. We need to impugn this Illariah’s character. Does she obey the law? Does she eat potatoes? Does she pay her taxes?
“She can put away a lot of potatoes, so that’s out. I haven’t slept with her, so I don't know about the little rubber things, and don’t even think it! And the only way to find out if she pays her taxes is to sick the auditors after her.”
You’re brilliant Ablo. We’ll do just that! We’ll shove the tax man so far up her Gore-maker that if she so much as lost a receipt she’ll be labeled a letch!
“Is that legal sir.”
Who cares? We’ll sick the auditors after her entire party! We’ll have them so scared that they’ll run for the hills. And we’ll use some loyal auditors who will be willing to sink with the ship for our cause. And the worst case scenario, they’ll name a gate after us.
“A gate sir?”
Yes, Ablo, where I come from, if you do something awful and stage a monumental cover-up, you get a gate named after you. We had Water-Gate, we had White-water-gate. We even had Contra-gate and Chad-gate!
“Sounds like having a gate named after you is more significant than having a monument built for you.”
If she doesn’t eat potatoes we can call it Tater-gate.
“Very catchy sir.”
If she uses little rubber things…we can call it Rubber-gate.
“That seems a bit tacky sir.”
How about Tax-gate?
“Or maybe illegal-appropriation-of-government-henchmen-gate?”
Really, Ablo?
“What?”
Really?
“What sir?”
I don’t think you’re catching on to the poetic significance of the Gate here Ablo.
“Who would dare to challenge you for supreme leader sir?”
A Green named Illariah. What am I going to do Ablo? My sham democracy is crashing down on upon me.
“We could smear her. Call her a slut!”
How can we do that? We’ve got the whole planet on a mission to fornicate and procreate. Calling her a slut would be a compliment.
“We could accuse her of using little rubber things during intercourse.”
That’s not enough Ablo. We need something ugly. Something with sharp teeth.
“You want to sick Nancy Pelosi on her?”
No Ablo, I was using metaphors. But you might just have something there. We need to sick the dogs on her.
“Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton?”
Ablo, you’ve named three people who are hard at work doing the same thing to my country as we’re doing here on Mars…but they’re not the answer. We need to impugn this Illariah’s character. Does she obey the law? Does she eat potatoes? Does she pay her taxes?
“She can put away a lot of potatoes, so that’s out. I haven’t slept with her, so I don't know about the little rubber things, and don’t even think it! And the only way to find out if she pays her taxes is to sick the auditors after her.”
You’re brilliant Ablo. We’ll do just that! We’ll shove the tax man so far up her Gore-maker that if she so much as lost a receipt she’ll be labeled a letch!
“Is that legal sir.”
Who cares? We’ll sick the auditors after her entire party! We’ll have them so scared that they’ll run for the hills. And we’ll use some loyal auditors who will be willing to sink with the ship for our cause. And the worst case scenario, they’ll name a gate after us.
“A gate sir?”
Yes, Ablo, where I come from, if you do something awful and stage a monumental cover-up, you get a gate named after you. We had Water-Gate, we had White-water-gate. We even had Contra-gate and Chad-gate!
“Sounds like having a gate named after you is more significant than having a monument built for you.”
If she doesn’t eat potatoes we can call it Tater-gate.
“Very catchy sir.”
If she uses little rubber things…we can call it Rubber-gate.
“That seems a bit tacky sir.”
How about Tax-gate?
“Or maybe illegal-appropriation-of-government-henchmen-gate?”
Really, Ablo?
“What?”
Really?
“What sir?”
I don’t think you’re catching on to the poetic significance of the Gate here Ablo.
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