Dancing On the High Wire

Perhaps it's due to the trials I've faced from an early age and that I learned early on that we each live life principally alone, regardless of how many friends and family members we have. Almost from my birth I was put into situations from which I learned to take care of myself because there was no one else to do it for me. Consequently, asking for help has always been difficult and receiving help unbidden has been no easier. My mother always liked to tell the story about the time I uttered my first complete sentence. We were getting ready to go somewhere and when my grandmother tried to pick me up to carry me to the car I crossed my arms and said, "I can do it myself!" I don't remember this, so I must have been pretty young. And this has been my stance ever since.

The problem is, through the years, when I've been at my lowest and most needed friends, no one was there. I've always had a lot of friends, but no one ever popped by just to see how I was doing or to say, "Hey, you need to get out. Let's go have lunch." When I'm upbeat and sunny my Facebook comments run into the 30s and higher, but when I'm in crisis or am down and I say so, there are no comments except on those posts that are more upbeat. I get "Likes", but few if any comments. I understand why, though. It was I who created this Clown Effect, as I've always called it. I even wrote a song about it ("Big Top") when I was 16.

This is my Big Top,You've all loved my show;But oh, can you love meAfter you go?When the makeup comes offAnd the curtain goes down,Can you love meWhen I'm not your clown?
I'm not casting any blame on anyone, including myself. It's just what it is, what it always has been, and what I've grown used to. But in extremely trying times I have trouble. If someone says to me, "If you need anything, just let me know" or "I'm here if you want to talk" I'm probably not going to take them up on it. Sometimes, what I need is someone to impose themselves on me, to ask me how I am, to say, "Get dressed. We're going out."

I think that I've always projected myself as someone who's self-possessed, strong, and capable of handling things alone, but while I am all of those things, I'm not tough. I'm really pretty fragile and I'm more emotional than people believe me to be. If you see me wearing my red rubber nose, it's a pretty safe bet that I'm masking my feelings of hurt, depression, fear, or loneliness.

So what's the point of this entry? I don't know, but I'll delete it if I don't post it quickly. This is all pretty embarrassing for me and I certainly don't intend to place any guilt feelings on anyone. I'm just sharing, I guess, whispering, "I'm hurting and I feel alone."

One of my best friends back in the 1980s once said to me, "The egg is the strongest natural shape in the world. You're an egg: able to withstand tremendous pressure and stress, but also extremely fragile. Yeah, Kaye, you're an egg."