Fall First Hop Critique 1
I'll give a shot at some first page comments. Keep in mind that feedback on a first page is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.
Here is the first page without comments:
Adult Paranormal Mystery
Celina’s grin widened after the flash of lightning illuminated through the night sky. The thunder that followed made the window she held onto vibrate. The sound of the rain pounded against the windows in the kitchen as she continued to look out into the storm. Her husband, Thomas, moved toward her and wrapped his arms around her waist.
“You shouldn’t stand so close to the window,” he said with a gentle tone.
“Did you feel the house shake?”
“Another reason not to be so close to glass then.” He leaned his mouth in the nape of her neck and kissed her gently.
“Yes, boss.”
He chuckled and let her go. Celina moved into the living room just as another lightning flashed outside, and made the large room look infested with shadowy monsters. She went to the television and turned it on. As she sat on the couch, she pressed the rubbery buttons on the remote, surfing across the channels. She let her thumb hang in midair when she found an old black and white horror movie, and set the remote next to her.
“What's playing?” Thomas called out from the kitchen.
“Something as fun as what’s going on outside.” She grinned - she really did love horror movies.
He came into the living room and looked from the television to Celina; his blue eyes always such a vivid color. Celina's own eyes - gray - were pale, and she often joked that nature had forgotten to color in her irises.
And with my crazy comments:
Adult Paranormal Mystery
Celina’s grin widened after with the flash of lightning illuminatinged through the night sky. Reads a little awkward. And 'through' is an unneeded word. The thunder that followed vibratedmade the window she held. onto vibrate. Vibrate is a more interesting verb than 'made.' The sound of the Rain pounded against the windows in the kitchen as she continued to look out into at the storm. Her husband, Thomas, moved toward her and wrapped his arms around her waist.
“You shouldn’t stand so close to the window,” he her husband said with a gentle tone. I think wrapping her in a hug implies gentle.
“Did you feel the house shake?”
“Another reason not to be so close to glass then.” Keep your dialogue spare. People chop off words when they speak. He leaned his mouth in to the nape of(I might cut 'nape of') her neck and kissed her gently.
“Yes, boss.”
He chuckled and let her go. Celina moved into the living room just Really be aware that just is a useless word in most cases. as another lightning strike flashed Feels like a word is missing. outside, and made infused the large Not an important adjective. room look infested with shadowy monsters. She went to the television and turned it on. Too much did this then did that. I think they will assume she turned it on. As She sat on the couch, she pressinged the rubbery buttons on the remote, surfing across the channels. She let her thumb hang in midair when she found (filtering) at an old black and white horror movie, and set the remote next to her.
“What's playing?” Thomas called out from the kitchen. Another unneeded word.
“Something as fun as what’s going on outside (change 'as what's going on outside' to the weather?) .” She grinned - she really did love horror movies.
He came into the living room and looked from the television to Celina; his blue eyes always such a vivid color. Celina's own eyes - gray - were pale, Celena's own eyes were so pale grayand she often joked that nature had forgotten to color in her irises. I don't think we need to know this yet. It doesn't really raise the stakes or make the page end on something curious or exciting. I'd push this down a little in your chapter. You want to end with a bang (literally in this case as the story is paranormal :-)
I like the storm, and it's great that not much description is wasted on it, but it's painted vividly. I like the unhurried pace. I like the little detail that she loves horror movies and the word 'boss.' But it's a little dull if intended to catch an eye in a contest.
All that is here is an everyday scene of life. There's nothing to raise curiosity, except maybe the color of her eyes. There's nothing to make us want to know what happens next. A couple is watching TV late at night. Could there be a noise? Something to raise a bigger question about their personalities? Something to raise suspicion? Otherwise it doesn't really stand out.
I hope this helps!
Here is the first page without comments:
Adult Paranormal Mystery
Celina’s grin widened after the flash of lightning illuminated through the night sky. The thunder that followed made the window she held onto vibrate. The sound of the rain pounded against the windows in the kitchen as she continued to look out into the storm. Her husband, Thomas, moved toward her and wrapped his arms around her waist.
“You shouldn’t stand so close to the window,” he said with a gentle tone.
“Did you feel the house shake?”
“Another reason not to be so close to glass then.” He leaned his mouth in the nape of her neck and kissed her gently.
“Yes, boss.”
He chuckled and let her go. Celina moved into the living room just as another lightning flashed outside, and made the large room look infested with shadowy monsters. She went to the television and turned it on. As she sat on the couch, she pressed the rubbery buttons on the remote, surfing across the channels. She let her thumb hang in midair when she found an old black and white horror movie, and set the remote next to her.
“What's playing?” Thomas called out from the kitchen.
“Something as fun as what’s going on outside.” She grinned - she really did love horror movies.
He came into the living room and looked from the television to Celina; his blue eyes always such a vivid color. Celina's own eyes - gray - were pale, and she often joked that nature had forgotten to color in her irises.
And with my crazy comments:
Adult Paranormal Mystery
Celina’s grin widened after with the flash of lightning illuminatinged through the night sky. Reads a little awkward. And 'through' is an unneeded word. The thunder that followed vibratedmade the window she held. onto vibrate. Vibrate is a more interesting verb than 'made.' The sound of the Rain pounded against the windows in the kitchen as she continued to look out into at the storm. Her husband, Thomas, moved toward her and wrapped his arms around her waist.
“You shouldn’t stand so close to the window,” he her husband said with a gentle tone. I think wrapping her in a hug implies gentle.
“Did you feel the house shake?”
“Another reason not to be so close to glass then.” Keep your dialogue spare. People chop off words when they speak. He leaned his mouth in to the nape of(I might cut 'nape of') her neck and kissed her gently.
“Yes, boss.”
He chuckled and let her go. Celina moved into the living room just Really be aware that just is a useless word in most cases. as another lightning strike flashed Feels like a word is missing. outside, and made infused the large Not an important adjective. room look infested with shadowy monsters. She went to the television and turned it on. Too much did this then did that. I think they will assume she turned it on. As She sat on the couch, she pressinged the rubbery buttons on the remote, surfing across the channels. She let her thumb hang in midair when she found (filtering) at an old black and white horror movie, and set the remote next to her.
“What's playing?” Thomas called out from the kitchen. Another unneeded word.
“Something as fun as what’s going on outside (change 'as what's going on outside' to the weather?) .” She grinned - she really did love horror movies.
He came into the living room and looked from the television to Celina; his blue eyes always such a vivid color. Celina's own eyes - gray - were pale, Celena's own eyes were so pale grayand she often joked that nature had forgotten to color in her irises. I don't think we need to know this yet. It doesn't really raise the stakes or make the page end on something curious or exciting. I'd push this down a little in your chapter. You want to end with a bang (literally in this case as the story is paranormal :-)
I like the storm, and it's great that not much description is wasted on it, but it's painted vividly. I like the unhurried pace. I like the little detail that she loves horror movies and the word 'boss.' But it's a little dull if intended to catch an eye in a contest.
All that is here is an everyday scene of life. There's nothing to raise curiosity, except maybe the color of her eyes. There's nothing to make us want to know what happens next. A couple is watching TV late at night. Could there be a noise? Something to raise a bigger question about their personalities? Something to raise suspicion? Otherwise it doesn't really stand out.
I hope this helps!
No comments have been added yet.
