Extra Warm

For E, ’cause I picked on him

One of the things I like best about this blog is that every so often I get a comment that sort of blows me away. I mean, of course I appreciate all the comments, which to be honest is something I’d say even if it weren’t true, because what the hell else am I supposed to say? That I wonder if sometimes Eumaeus comments after he’s had a few beers? That sometimes I have no idea what he’s saying? That I don’t even know what an Eumaeus is?

Thing is, I really do appreciate all the comments, even those I find indecipherable (which, to be fair, is at least as indicative of my stunted intellectual prowess as it is of the comments themselves). Even those of dissent. Maybe particularly those of dissent, if only because they are evidence to me that something of value is being discussed. But the truth is, I long ago decided to by-and-large let go of the comments, and not reply to all those that strike me in one way or another. I remain extremely wary – perhaps even paranoid – of this blog outgrowing its proper role in my life, although I have to admit I’m not always sure what I mean by that. Maybe one of you can enlighten me.

Anyway. This is all just my wordy way of drawing your attention to the comment below, which just might be my favorite comment ever. I was a little nervous to publish that post; in my experience, folks can get pretty riled up and defensive about the role of technology in their children’s’ (and their own) lives, maybe because on some level they know it has outgrown what might reasonably be considered healthy. But damned if that post didn’t lead to the creation of something that is by any honest measure worth a hell of a lot more than what I originally wrote.

I think there are any number of ways to judge the value my work. Is it entertaining? Does it flow? Does it make someone feel differently than they felt before they read it? Funny enough, it never occurred to me until now that the very best measure of its worth might be whether or not it leads to the creation of something of even greater value. In that regard, I think Miss Mama’s comment is far and away the most flattering comment I have ever received, and I am grateful for it.

Oh, and one more thing: Is anyone else experiencing a sudden hankering for a pair of socks knit from the ass hairs of a sheep? Damn. Those would have to be extra warm, don’t you think?

So sorry that I am writing this long comment but I was thinking about this post all last night and this morning and asking myself a few hard questions: why do I let me kids have screen time? Why do we live in a massive urban sprawl? Do I really like that my kids know more about Starbucks than apples?

All of this is sincere, by the way, I’m not about to mock beets or farms or anything like that. I do mock sheep a little bit but it’s way down at the end and it’s more about me than them.

So…. I let my kids have screen time because, um, because then I can have screen time, too? Because then they can play with the kids next door and I can fold laundry? And talk on the phone? Oh hell. That’s weak. I let them have screen time so that we can all run from each other in our tiny home with our massive baskets of fear and grief that we are carrying? That I realize every single human carries? Oh dear. Oh my god. Worse. Uh, because we can’t always go outside? I have to be outside watching when they are running up and down the sidewalk (big urban sprawl, etc.) and I can’t always do that and make dinner (frozen pizza) at the same time? Because I am LAZY? Because I am a working single parent and tired and sometimes a little defeated?? That doesn’t really sit well but I’m glad that thanks to this post I was motivated to ask myself the questions… even if the answers are cringe-worthy!

Why do we live in a massive urban sprawl? Because this is where my ex wanted to live and then when my ex left I didn’t have the money to leave and was too heartbroken and freaked out to make any changes. (Oh my god… because I was so thrilled to be a genuine victim, apparently!!!! Mortifying!) But… urban sprawl also helped when I went back to school and got a degree… my kids were in school and in after care… I didn’t have to pay as much as I might have… oh my gosh… this is slightly better but not much! ANYWAY… the irony is that NOW the faceless and crazy urban sprawl is our community and we love our neighbors and our school. But not the air quality. And not the cars speeding down the street. Blah.

And I hate that my kids know more about Starbucks than trees or seasons and that they like coffee better than apples! Oh my gosh. I can’t really even attempt to salvage that. I am tired! I need coffee! There is a Starbucks on every corner!

Here are the other bullshit reasons I give for NOT having a more organic/holistic life:

1. I am a single parent! (Did I mention that? Did I mention that thirty-five times?) I can’t do it alone! Plus the new person I like isn’t very handy! Plus I don’t have savings! Plus, um, plus I get poison ivy really badly? Plus, um? PLUS?????

2. I do not want to homeschool. NO! PLEASE! NO! I WILL RUN SCREAMING FROM THE WOODS! Because I am afraid to sit still with my children? Because we are sad about the divorce and the tiny house and dead tree out front and the no garden and the car that has to keep running? Or because I have three braincells left to myself and by God I want to keep them!?! WHAT AM I SAYING? THREE? Oh, poof, gone.

3. This is kind of valid but probably not really: I am afraid of livestock. ALL OF THEM. Not kidding. I had to gather eggs with a friend ONCE years ago and I ran out of the coop hollering because I almost got pecked on the wrist. ALMOST PECKED. Almost pecked by a tame hen. Oh my god. I know I could try harder but cows are huge. HUGE. Goats and sheep are bigger than they look on everyone’s blogs. Also one of my kids hates dogs. ALSO. Also blah blah blah pecking hen, barking dog, kicking sheep, etc.

Oh my god. Have you ever tried to articulate your life philosophy and realized the reason you DO NOT articulate the poor thing is because it’s a wee rag or a shred of something and held up to the light is not even worth calling a philosophy??? Oh my god, put it away, please.

But! Here is the one thing that I did come up with last night that I don’t think is BECAUSE of screens or is trying to say OH THANK GOD for screens or anything… it is the only TINY shred of goodness I can claim and it is VERY TINY. Here is it: Living with the inability or unwillingness to make a change that might be good for all of us but for which I am not ready or prepared or even completely desirous of making is PAINFUL. I must daily learn to live with real grief and regret… and hourly try desperately to manufacture both forgiveness and accountability for myself.

I don’t read this blog (or any other blog made by an earth-loving, animal-dealing, kid-raising family) thinking, well, probably they are smoking meth and ANYWAY their kids are going to grow up insane and not even know when to use a semi-colon. And equally true, I don’t (often) look at myself and say, oh my god, you are practically smoking meth (not) and your kids are growing up insane and don’t even know what punctuation is. Plus cannot spell. Plus what is up with homework for a first grader? WHAT IS THAT?

I know this is going to sound so stupid but I am grateful for the ability to hold on to every bad decision, every selfish act (or neglect) that I make (am sure I don’t see them all) and acknowledge that right now I have not done the right and best thing. I have to sit with that. But just because I cannot do it NOW doesn’t mean I won’t someday. But not now.

And that’s a failing like a lot of other failings that I have to own but it doesn’t mean that I should lose my worth or my children, or that they are doomed to a miserable life, it doesn’t mean I should be praised, either, and maybe on some level it doesn’t mean ANYTHING except that I am a complex human being like all other human beings, with resources and flaws and strengths and terrible weaknesses; and for a human being staying open to as much truth as you can stand is honorable and worthy.

As much truth as I can stand? Sometimes it’s not much, apparently. I’m not on facebook because I would lie all the time. I would be such a liar and I would pretend I wasn’t lying, too. I would be good at that. It would take HOURS of my time and it would beat back the proof of what’s missing, too: YO! HELLO! Here is our great urban life! Here is our cool party with spray paint and rocks and sticks! YO! Here we are baking bread! YO! Here I am with my hair so long and so shiny and DID I LOSE WEIGHT OR WHAT? DOES GRIEF LOOK GOOD ON ME OR WHAT?? FOR REAL! FEAR IS HOT! At least I am open to the truth that I can not be trusted to even tell the truth most of the time.

Urban sprawl with screen time is possibly better FOR ME right now than raising sheep and making my socks from their ass hairs. WHAT? I MEAN IT! Because IF the reason I am raising and knitting is because anything less than that will fill me with self-loathing then I don’t trust the process!!! I mean I don’t trust ME in the process! I don’t mean I don’t trust the farm. The farm is good. But I want to have sheep because it is right and good for me to have them and because I am okay with or without them. Right now I am scared of them and their little sideways teeth and their smell and scared of standing in a field with four dying sheep by myself and having nobody.

This is so hard to explain because I barely understand it and probably it’s all a way of saying to my children (who are young) I am sorry that I could not bring you back to the land and give you what you most needed but I didn’t have the courage to do it. I hope I am giving you enough love and strength and conviction to do the right thing for you and for the earth and even when I am a little old person wearing diapers (or leaves) I promise to honor as much of the truth and revolution as I possibly can. And I will live in the woods with you if you will have me.