POETRY: YOU’RE ABOUT AS HELPFUL AS THE SHITS IN TOWN, LOVE! BY PAUL TRISTRAM

I saw this old couple arguing last night

outside The Tilting Tavern as a group of us

stood around smoking skunk spliff’s.

They were verbally laying into each other

and pulling each other about by their coats,

they were in their 70’s and giving it wellie.

“Your brother’s better looking than you

and he used to be the worst boxer in Neath!”

“Yeah, I only went with you in the first place

because your father had already found a whore!”

“Aye, when you were born you were so ugly

that the midwife actually slapped your mother!”

“I shouldn’t have married you, you no good Bastard,

you’re about as helpful as the shits in town, love!”

That was it, we all exploded into laughter

I turned to Sam through tears and cackled

“I’ve changed my mind, I might just get married

after all, it looks like fun, But I’ll take myself

another couple of decades to mull it over properly!”

Written by Paul Tristram