How To Handle Criticism Correctly

Photo credit: Sarah Ann Loreth As I sent off my fourth draft to a round of beta-readers for some final thoughts before publishing my debut novel, "The Charismatics," I realized something: I NEED TO GET PREPARED FOR CRITICISM AT EVERY TURN. Good, bad, constructive, weird, silly, bizarre, attacking, troll-like, well-intentioned--every kind of criticism possible. I am creating a product to be read--and ultimately judged--by other people. Hopefully MASSES of people. I have just placed a giant target on my back that says, "JUDGE ME AND MY ART RIGHT NOW IN A PUBLIC WAY." And it is terrifying. But also exhilarating.

Want to know a couple secrets about me? Here goes ...

1) I distinctly remember having a club formed against me when I was in first grade, (tentatively) titled, "The No Ashley Club." That is no lie. My desperation to be liked back then was PALPABLE, and it made me a target.
2) The night before my first day of sixth grade, I STUDIED the book entitled "How To Be Popular In The Sixth Grade," by Camy Baker. That was probably the dumbest book ever written, by the way--because I ended up being the least popular girl in the sixth grade.
3) I really, really, REALLY cared about what people thought about me growing up. And I still do, a lot of the time.

None of these things make me sound very qualified on the "taking criticism correctly" front, now do they? Au contraire, dear readers, because I've had a lot of practice ... So here are my tips on how to take criticism of your writing, your FACE (Renee Zellweger, anyone?!) and your life, correctly . I'm going to use my book as an example for some of these tips, but I think they are applicable to all forms of life and interaction.
1) If you ask for criticism, prepare yourself for the answer. The TRUE answer.
I learned this with "The Charismatics" when I sent it out to some beta-readers recently. I received a VARIETY of responses, ranging from "this is wonderful," to "this part was confusing," to "the main love interest is HOT!" (Why thank you, I know, he is my dream man), and a kind message that went along the lines of "this wasn't my cup of tea, couldn't get into it. Best of luck!" I sat there for a moment after I read it, feeling hurt. But this was a fantastic response to receive from someone, especially this early on in the game, because it reminded me that:
-Not everyone is going to like/love/tolerate my book, and that is OKAY!
-Be gracious and thankful that anyone has taken the time to give it a chance at ALL.
The same principal can (and should!) be applied with any endeavor. Went on a date and they didn't call you back? Be gracious/polite in any future interactions. Bad review at your restaurant? Same thing. Those are the risks we take every day by putting ourselves out there to be judged, supported, and loved. And if you show kindness and a polite manner in any of these interactions, who has ultimately won? YOU. The answer is YOU.

2) One person's opinion doesn't equal everyone's opinion.
I wish I'd understood this better when I was younger regarding other kids' treatment of me. If I was bullied by a few people, I took it so deeply within myself that I believed everyone thought that way, or even worse: that it was the truth. In turn I acted out of desperation, shouting mentally from the classrooms and the lunch lines and exuding from my very pores this message: "Like me! LIKE ME! WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME?! Am I not good enough?!"
This made me a target back then, and it would make me a target now, with my book and in my daily life. When you are desperate, you are irrational. When you don't have a strong, confident foundation of belief in yourself, you are easily swayed by one person's words. This means that if one person writes a bad review for your book, or a mean comment on Facebook, that it might ruin your whole day. Even worse, YOU MIGHT RETALIATE. (which is RULE NUMERO UNO to NEVER DO in the Author Etiquette Manual.)  Because you are giving that person, that ONE person, a lot of power. Power they don't deserve. There opinion doesn't equal everyone's. So don't make it that way in your mind.

3) Identify whose opinions weigh the most, and forget the others!
Regarding my book, I received a critique from my mom, who is not a fantasy or young adult book reader typically. A couple issues she had were regarding the "world," and a few other opinion-based thoughts. We decided that I needed some input from a more appropriate source: a younger-aged reader who enjoyed fantasy and YA very much. And the critique I received from this individual was SO helpful on numerous levels. Because that was my audience; that was the opinion that mattered most for this particular situation.
The same principal can be applied in life. Whose opinions do you care about listening to? Your family? Your friends? Your significant other? Your professor? Your pastor? Who do you admire, look up to, cherish? And who feels the same about you, and wants to see you excel?
Those are the opinions you want to take into yourself and give a place in your heart. Not the words of a troll on social media. Not the rejection of someone you met on Tinder (no personal relation to me here WHATsoever ...).
No. The behavior and words of others who are insignificant (in the big scheme of things) to your life don't matter. They have not earned that place of importance in your mind and heart. Only give the space to those who have.

All right my dears, those are my tips on how to handle criticism correctly. Now GO criticize my book on Goodreads, RSVP for my book launch party on December 13 on Facebook, and go hug a loved one (including your pets). You are all special and wonderful, and don't ever EVER let someone's words take that feeling away. God made you perfect, just as you are. Even when we don't feel like those words are true, they are the truest words ever spoken.

Want to read an article about an author named Kathleen Hale who did NOT know how to take criticism correctly and ended up basically stalking someone who gave her a bad review? Go here.
Want to read another awesome article about how to respond (or more appropriately, how NOT to respond) to criticism as an author, written by my favorite Chuck Wendig? Go here. 

And as always, keep writing and keep dreaming!