Lessons I Learned When I Was Forced to Take a Break From Technology

As some of you may know, my computer crashed last Sunday and I was without my computer for a week.  First world problems, I know.  It all started when I went to reboot after another pointless installation of the newest app.  My MacBook chimed and then shut down.  I swore and rebooted it.  Same thing happened.  For some reason, I kept doing the same thing for the next 20 minutes or so.  

I went downstairs and might have started hyperventilating.  My mom was in the kitchen.

"Mom," I wailed, "My computer crashed and I can't get it to work.  All of my files on are there.  All of Madelyne's pictures.  What if they're gone?"

"Take it to the Apple store.  They can fix it.  Stop crying when you don't even know if there is something wrong."  Now, you're probably thinking that is very wise and sound advice - and I agree.  However, my mom is usually the last person on the face of the planet you want to come to when there is a crisis.  Sure enough, she didn't disappoint:

"You know what you should do?"  My mom asked while starting dinner.  "You should print out all of your files in case something like this happens."

I just looked at her.  Seriously?  Seriously??

"Or," she continued, "you should start writing long-hand.  Authors didn't have computers a long time ago, you know."

And there it is, my friends.  Do not ever count on my mom in a crisis.  Ever.  I left the room.

Long story short, I took my computer to the Apple store and my hard drive crashed.  Plus I had "liquidation" damages on the inside.  An assload of money and a week later, my computer would be good as new.  

So, there I was.  Lots of time on my hands.  What did I do - you might ask.  Well, let me tell you:

TV Marathons:

Dateline
Keith Morrison's voice is like a lullaby.  Seriously.  For the love of God and everything that is holy, when your spouse dies (not from natural causes) YOU are the first one the police look at.  Calling the life insurance policy holders the day AFTER your spouse dies is not a good idea.Everyone in prison is innocent.  No one killed their wife/husband/parents/strangers etc.  Really?  Your fingerprint was in the victim's blood.  You don't have an alibi.  And you have a double life:  by day, you go to church and embrace the word of God; by night, you're wearing a dog collar and flogging your two submissive lovers.  But you are definitely innocent.I don't like juries.  I'm sorry.  I don't.  I can't stand it when the jury interviews after the case and they talk about the "evidence" and the "law."  I went to law school and I still can't tell you about the law.  We except 12 strangers to not only decipher forensic, scientific direct and circumstantial evidence but also put them in a room together until they can all agree on something?  I've been at meetings where 12 of us couldn't decide on pizza toppings.  Who's brilliant idea was this?  

I Almost Got Away With It
I love when the narrator leaves the audience with a cliffhanger before the commercial break:  "Did he make it out alive or will he end his life in a shoot-out?"  Well, considering that the convict has been talking to the camera throughout the whole show, I'm guessing he made it out alive.  Same with the one question that is always asked before the last commercial break:  "Did the police find him or was he able to escape their grasp?"  Again - since he is on camera narrating the story wearing an orange jumpsuit, I'm going to take a giant leap of assumption here and assume that he got caught.Maybe being a prison wife isn't such a bad idea.  Think about it:  I get to have my alone time.  It's not like he's going to cheat on me with another woman.  I don't have to try the dating game again.  (Total random thought, I know.)
Cops
Let's just leave it at that
Time Management
At night, my schedule usually goes like this:  Play with Madelyne, bubble bath time, read books, put Madelyne to bed, come downstairs to talk with my parents for a bit, go upstairs for the night, do some more marketing stuff on my computer, read a book, fall asleep.

Sunday night, night 1 of the forced technology break, I sat with my parents in the family room after I put Madelyne down for the night.  We talked until around 8:00 PM.  Since I didn't have my computer, I asked my parents if they wanted to catch up on some Modern Family episodes.  They looked at me with wondering eyes.  My mom's eyes turned into slits.

"Why do you want to watch TV with us?"
I laughed it off.  "Because we're behind on Modern Family."
"Or she doesn't have her computer," my Dad piped up.
My Mom nodded.  "Ohhhhhh.  That's right.  So you really don't want to watch TV with us.  You just don't have anything else to do."
"I can go read.  I just thought we could catch up on Modern Family.  That's all."  I acted hurt.
"Or she doesn't have her computer," my Dad piped up.  
"Am I that transparent?"
"Yes," they both replied in unison.

Child Care
On Halloween, Madelyne's school had a costume parade and all of the parents had to bring in Halloween treats.  Since I didn't have anything to do - and I'm stupid - I offered to come in early to help.  Rude awakening, my friends.  Helping 20 sugar-laden 3 and 4-year-old kids find their costumes, put on their costumes, take pictures with their costumes, and of course, once the costume is on, everyone has to go potty - I'm breaking out in a nervous sweat just thinking about it again.  Holy shit, you could not PAY me enough to work in child care.  God Bless all of you child care professionals.  You are one level right below sainthood.  

Needless to say, when I got the e-mail from the Apple Genius Bar informing me that my computer had been repaired, I think I might have broken sound barriers driving to the store.  It was such a lovely moment when we were reunited.  Pure ecstasy.  My computer.  Ahhhh....

To purchase my memoir, please visit:  http://www.amazon.com/Who-Am-Daughter-Taught-Again/dp/1626941513/ref=cm_rdp_product