A funky introduction of how nice I am

When I began my career at The Onion A.V Club a little over a decade ago I liked to think that everything I wrote was immediately sucked up into a giant literary black hole, never to be seen or heard from again. There was something strangely comforting about that kind of anonymity. I secretly treasured the idea that nobody read anything I wrote. In my early days at the paper (I call it "The Paper" cause to me it's as definitive in its own way as The New York Times), it was fairly easy to maintain