STAYING FAT FOR SARAH BYRNES: the book that made me want to write

http://mrg.bz/WIaVby Spring, 2005. . .

I was wading into treacherous waters: the memories of a sexually abusive childhood that were threatening to swallow me up. In November, 2004, I’d entered therapy, set the first boundary I’d ever had with my stepfather, and subsequently had a mental breakdown when my mother chose my perpetrator over me. Again.

My life was a white-knuckled trek through each day. Know the crackling sound made by electricity or the way a transformer explodes in whiteness when it’s struck by lightning?

Yeah. Welcome to the inside of my head, circa the tail-end of 2004/most of 2005.

I was beginning to learn to feel my feelings instead of stuffing them down with copious amounts of sugar and fats, and part of my therapy was a daily workout on the treadmill: 45 minutes, uphill. I NEEDED to feel my strength. SOME PART of me needed to be strong.

My body was getting a hell of a workout, but it was still nowhere near the spinning my mind was doing. Imagine a truck with its back wheels stuck in a swamp, and the pedal’s to the metal as the driver tries to get out of it. My semi-unconscious hours: restless sleep infused with PTSD flashbacks, my mind did not rest. My awake hours—infused with rocket-powered anxiety and attempts to distract myself to hold off the electrified crazies—required constant distraction.

Walking uphill on a treadmill can be boring, and TV didn’t hit the “Soothe” button the way reading did. I had plowed through every book I was interested in reading, and the thought of my mind being free to roam set off my anxiety big-time, so I checked out one of my away-at-college daughter’s bookcases in her bedroom.

A book caught my eye: STAYING FAT FOR SARAH BYRNES, by Chris Crutcher. Sure, it was a book for teenagers, but the back cover copy intrigued me:

Sarah Byrnes and Eric have been friends for years. When they were children, his fat and her terrible scars made them both outcasts. Later, although swimming slimmed Eric, she stayed his closest friend.

Now Sarah Byrnes -- the smartest, toughest person Eric has ever known -- sits silent in a hospital. Eric must uncover the terrible secret she's hiding, before its dark currents pull them both under.

I started reading Page 1 before I even stepped onto the siderails of the treadmill. Popped the book onto the bookrack, and from that point on, I didn’t feel my workout that day. Chris Crutcher had me from the first words:

“My dad left when I still had a month to go in the darkroom…”

I had this thought: Oh, my God. Chris Crutcher was writing people like ME. There are books that tell stories like MINE.

It was MIND-BLOWING.

Around the end of 2005, my therapist suggested that I try writing a novel about my experiences. I’d been writing short stories and poems, all which were infused with the theme of

“OHMYGOD HOW COULDMYMOMDOTHISTOMEICANNOT POSSIBLYSURVIVETHISPAINANDI’MSOINCREDIBLYPISSEDTHATICOULD
CRAWLOUTOFMYSKINANDKILLSOMEONE.”

         By that point, I’d DEVOURED every book Chris Crutcher has ever written, and I modeled my own writing after his blunt fearless commitment to TRUTH.  It took about 4 months, from Nov. 2005 to February, 2006, to pull myself out of my own head enough to see the experience of recovery from childhood sexual abuse through the eyes of a teenage girl who WAS NOT ME.

         I wrote my first book in about four months. I was not sleeping anyway, and I wrote the book in the middle of the night, then I’d get ready, go to work, teach all day, come home and collapse for a few hours, then be awakened by this story that was telling itself to me.

         I didn’t even plan to have my first book, COURAGE IN PATIENCE, published, and the only person I shared it with was my therapist. He pronounced it “good stuff,” and knowing that he does not (a) bullshit or (b) give compliments lightly, I began to consider becoming an author.

         I found an agent.

         We found a publisher.

         COURAGE IN PATIENCE released in September, 2008.

         I was still in therapy, still writing as a way of processing what I was experiencing, and I wrote HOPE IN PATIENCE, the follow-up to COURAGE IN PATIENCE.

         About the same time, Kunati, Inc., the publisher of COURAGE IN PATIENCE, went bankrupt. 

         My agent shopped both books to a new publisher, and the publisher bought HOPE IN PATIENCE, with the intention of releasing COURAGE IN PATIENCE at some point if HOPE was successful.

        
HOPE IN PATIENCE, which released in October, 2010, was named a 2011 YALSA Quick Pick for Reluctant Readers. (I’d say that’s pretty successful, wouldn’t you?).

         July, 2011, THE VERY SAME DAY I was readying the book-end to THE PATIENCE TRILOGY: the 3rd book, TRUTH IN PATIENCE, I received an email notification that the publisher, WestSide Books, was to be sold, and they were not taking on any new works.

         TRUTH IN PATIENCE concluded my journey through therapy, and it also concludes Ashley’s story because I was able to give her something I have never had: resolution with my mother. It's never been released.

         Now, I am standing on the cusp of a new beginning for THE PATIENCE TRILOGY, as my agent and I set out in early 2015 to find a new publisher for it. This coincides with the 10 year anniversary of me entering recovery. You have NO IDEA how meaningful this is to me. NO IDEA.

         I owe my writing career to Chris Crutcher’s timeless book, STAYING FAT FOR SARAH BYRNES. It let me know, at one of the loneliest times of my life, that I was not alone, and Chris Crutcher’s writing style infused in me a belief that a commitment to truth-telling is paramount to reaching others. If I had not been so fearful of the thoughts in my own head, I never would have pulled the book off my daughter’s shelf. Funny how life works that way, huh?
One of the highlights of my life--seriously--is meeting Chris Crutcher and getting to hang out with him at YAK FEST in Keller, Texas, a couple of years ago.

“It's a scary thing; moving on. Part of me wishes life were more predictable and part of me is excited that it's not. I think it's impossible to tell the good things from the bad things while they're happening.”
― Chris Crutcher, Staying Fat for Sarah Byrnes

Check out what Publisher's Weekly said about this AMAZING BOOK:

Such superlatives as "riveting" and "powerful" can only hint at the craftsmanship on display in this transcendent story of love, loyalty and courage. While probing such issues as friendship, free speech and moral values, Crutcher ( Chinese Handcuffs ; Stotan! ) tells a tale whose mordant humor, poignancy and suspense pack a breathtaking wallop. A social outcast in junior high due to his excessive weight, narrator Eric Calhoune found a kindred spirit in Sarah Byrnes, whose face and hands were hideously disfigured in a childhood accident. Now a senior and considerably slimmed down through competitive swimming (though still aptly called "Moby"), Eric remains fiercely devoted to his friend, whose caustic tongue is her only protection from life's inequities. When Sarah abruptly stops talking and is committed to a mental ward, Eric is compelled to take action to help her, but quickly finds that he is in over his head. He risks their friendship by breaking his vow of secrecy and enlisting others' aid--help that comes from such unlikely quarters as a former bully, Eric's swim coach and, most surprisingly, his mother's seemingly wimpy boyfriend. A subplot centering on a self-righteous teammate drives home the point that nothing is as it appears on the surface, and leads to Eric being caught between his menacing vice-principal and the even more malevolent Mr. Byrnes--with spine-tingling results. Superb plotting, extraordinary characters and crackling narrative make this novel one to be devoured in a single unforgettable sitting. Ages 12-up.
Copyright 1993 Reed Business Information, Inc.


Buy STAYING FAT FOR SARAH BYRNES:
Amazon
Barnes & Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Chapters