parenting tips

I don't know if I am that great a parent, but I've had numerous people ask me what my tips for good parenting are. In the hopes that these may be useful, I think I can distill my parenting down to 7 parts:

1. Spend as much time as possible with your child in the first two years of life.

I know not everyone is a stay-at-home parent, but I was a slave to my kids the first two years. I carried them everywhere, literally. Skin to skin. I did not use a baby car seat except in the car. I had a swing but never used it. I never had a baby jail (a playpen). I used a crib for the first ten months, and then my kids were in a bed they could climb out. I wanted them to feel that they had access to me, that they were safe and well-cared for. I didn't let them cry themselves to sleep. Well, maybe a couple of times.

2. Say "yes" as often as you possibly can, and try to phrase directives to children in positive terms.

I think this is especially important for very young children. It is easy and rather natural to tell a child, don't touch that, don't go there. It is more difficult but ultimately much better to tell a child, here, you can have this, let Mommy come with you, see that pretty glass object, keep it safe and count how many stars you can see on it without touching.

3. Allow your children to experience real consequences from real actions as much as possible.

I think parents may have different opinions about what "as much as possible" means. Obviously, I wouldn't allow my child to experience the real life consequence of being hit by a car if she were to wander into the street. But I would let her experience the real life consequence of having a messy room if she chooses not to clean it, and also of not getting the room clean treat that the other kids get.

4. Never, ever threaten a child.

This is something that I do so automatically that I never think about it. Some parenting books call this being consistent. It's that, too, I suppose. But I don't think about it that way because no one is truly consistent even ninety percent of the time. When I tell my children that something will happen is they do x, then that something happens. All the time. And I don't mean it as a threat. It's linked to #3 above. It's just the consequence of that action. I'm not the one being mean. They chose to make that choice. It's important to let children experience real choices, and to be calm when they see the results of that choice.

5. Give unconditional love.

And by this I don't mean just that you tell your child that you love her. I also mean that you show it by enjoying her company and feeling the ache of whatever challenges she has to face, challenges that are real even though they are challenges you have already passed through. Along with this, I suppose I would add something like how important it is to listen to each child's version of the events as they happened. Usually, always, there is a complicated dynamic and no single child is at fault.

6. Tell the truth.

Sometimes parents think that protecting children is the right thing to do. Obviously, we don't tell children everything because they are not ready for it. But if I err, it is on the side of telling a little too much. In fact, my children sometimes run away with their fingers in their ears when I am telling them some facts. Or they look at me and say, Mom--did you really have to tell me all of that? Well, maybe not. But I want them to know they can talk to me frankly about things, if they want to.

7. Apologize.

There is a whole generation of parents who were told never to apologize. I don't believe this at all. I want my children to see me clearly. I want them to be able to forgive me when I make stupid mistakes (which I do, all the time). I want them to believe that they will be good and flawed parents when they grow up. There is nothing wrong with making a mistake, and apologizing is the only way to put it right. I'm not too proud to apologize to a two year old, if necessary. I also tell my older kids about my fears, my stupidities, and so on.