Some Very Bad Advice

Of old there was a saying said,
To sooth dark failure’s pain,
If at first you don’t succeed,
You should try and try again.

Full many a failure now lies behind,
Beneath oblivion’s cloak,
Whoever said that stupid saw,
I hope upon it choked.

And so I add a word or two,
To help those burdened souls,
Reminding them that failure stinks,
And upon their heads heap coals.

So if at first you don’t succeed,
Go get a sharper blade,
And if your very last shot fails,
Your shame will never fade.

If at first you stumble and fall,
Lie still and fake a cramp,
If all your plans should come to naught,
You can be a perfect tramp.

When failure breaks your heart and mind,
Shut up and quit that cryin’
What failures could be greater than,
old William Jennings Bryan,

When naughty folks your pathway hedge,
You could try a bigger gun,
And when humiliation rules,
Remember suicide's less fun,

When preaching makes you feel unworthy,
You can always punch the preacher,
And if your schoolwork's very poor,
You can still become a teacher,

�When you feel that no one cares,
Just skip a month of rent,
If someone makes you feel you’re poor,
Just tell him to get bent.

And when you feel you’re worthless,
Why then everything is gain,
And if you feel you can’t go on,
You can always fail again.

You think that failure hurts too much,
Well suicide hurts more,
At least that’s what I’ve always heard,
And funerals are such a bore.

If depression is your only friend,
There’s no need for you to grouse,
There's one without a single friend:
The Speaker of the House.

Each time you make a fool of self,
Pretend that you don’t care,
And when others think you’re dumb,
Just ask from them bus fare.

You lost your job, your house, your car,
Don’t worry the worst’s ahead,
You could’ve lost your life you know,
And you will...someday you’re dead.

So if at first you don’t succeed,
Arsenic won’t solve a thing,
'Cause even failures can do well,
Bob Dylan can’t even sing.

You can fail a million times,
And still retain your pride,
And if you lose that? Well my friend,
Shame's better than suicide.