A Reply to: “Stop Being a Victim!”

Why do you write?—Interview The Hidden Pain of Emotional Wounds

A Reply to: “Stop Being a Victim!”

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. Domestic violence ranges from obvious physical abuse to subtle, coercive variations of psychological/ emotional or sexual cruelty. Abuse is often rationalized by the perpetrator as justified and acceptable, experienced by the victim as confusing and demoralizing, and tolerated by society as a “private” matter.

In recent years, many have been working to bring the damage done by intimate partner abuse out from the shadow of trivialization and shame. In October 1987, the first Domestic Violence Awareness Month was observed. That same year marks the initiation of the first national domestic violence toll-free hotline (1-800-799-7233).

When I posted my recent article “Stop Being a Victim!” on a LinkedIn group, author and victim’s advocate Erin Ireland wrote me. She responded to a question I included from an earlier post, “Betrayed: Did You Choose Your Reality.” I asked, “Is it true there are ‘no victims’?” I wanted to share her response with you. Erin takes a stand against rationalizations and the tendency to turn a blind eye to situations of interpersonal abuse with a particularly clear voice.

Believe me there are plenty of victims in this world. Never mind our own experiences of betrayal and abandonment, let’s take some extreme and obvious situations. What about the little girl in the Sudan who is raped by 50 men until she can’t feel her body anymore? What about the child soldiers who are abducted and made to murder their own parents to desensitize them? What about the children who are worked in mines to produce diamonds for the rest of the inattentive world? What about the elderly Holocaust victims who live in the Ukraine and are now starving? These atrocities go on everyday. They ARE victims! These are the true victims of our world. Anyone who says we create our reality and that there are no victims is ignorant of the many impossible situations that afflict people in the world today and likely lacking in compassion for their pain.

I have been a victim. To be a victim is to be held down with no one to help you. And there is nothing you can do about it. It is a terrible feeing: no one is coming to save you. You will be killed in body, heart or mind by your victimizer; or you will be permanently injured, left to suffer alone and left to find your own way.

Whether or not we rise up from emotional abuse, physical or psychological rape, or betrayal and abandonment depends on many factors beyond our control. It depends on on our situation, our emotional support, our own ability to get beyond it. Whether or not we can come back from the terrible victimization of a mate, parent, sibling, or from war or collective disaster depends on our resources. If we are persistent and are emotionally and physically able to hang in there for long periods of time, we may be able to overcome our misfortune. Remember though, that some are not able to come back. Many are not able to come back financially, physically, mentally or emotionally. Some do not have support from family or friends. Some are old and have no one. Some are prisoners in their lives. How these people view themselves has little to do with rising above their victimization.

And some do find their way. Some rise up from the ashes and become stronger than they ever thought they could be. Good for them! I am one of them. I have risen out of what was a turmoil of abuse. However, at times I am still victimized because others find it easier to doubt what has happened to me than face the pain. This is damaging to me as a human being who is trying to live and put behind what has happened to me. To be dismissed as if not much happened injures all over again. The fact is, we never forget these profound injuries. We can, however, put the violation behind us and refuse to let it rule us.

It’s so easy to say, “Everyone creates their own reality, their own problems. It isn’t what happens to you, but how you respond. No one has to be a victim.” Why is there even a word “victim” then? It means you have been injured emotionally or physically by something or someone. Maybe you can be resilient and maybe you can’t. It is not a sign of your worth as a human being. I hate this ideology of NO ONE IS A VICTIM. It is utterly ridiculous in my view and, above all, lacking in compassion.

From my hurtful experiences, I have recovered to an extent. I have risen up and decided that what I mostly have left is my VOICE. So I have written a book to help others. I answer posts like this one. It does not mean, however, that I was not a victim, because I was very much A VICTIM, and in some ways I will always have problems from my victimization. It’s part of my being/experiences that I now use as tools to help others.

Never belittle a person by telling them they are not a victim. If someone tells you they have been injured by someone, try believing them. You can say, “you don’t have to be a victim anymore—if that is possible for you to achieve.” And understand not everyone is as fortunate as we are to have the strength and resources to recover. Victims, especially of invisible violence in their home, need recognition for what they have been through. They need compassion and support, not ridicule or the subtle blame of distorted ideology.

_______________________________________________________________________