How to Give a Movie Recommendation – or WWEBD?
My brother is a pro at giving movie recommendations. This is because he has good taste and he’s not an idiot. Let me give you an example of the last time he gave me a movie recommendation.
Brother – Hey, you know what you should watch? Zero Dark Thirty.
Me – ok
Brother – <Hangs up the phone>
That’s it. He doesn’t give me an entire goddamn summary of the movie. He doesn’t try to reenact a scene. He just says “I think you’ll like this” and lets it go.
Believe it or not, a lot of you fuckers don’t seem to have this skill. For some reason, you see something you like in a movie and then immediately think “hey, you know what? My buddy Essa would like this. I’m going to give her a call and provide her with a long, rambling, barely coherent description of the scene. That way, when she eventually sees this movie, all the fun will be completely sucked out of it for her.”
The earliest I can remember this happening was with the movie “Dude, Where’s My Car?” The scene in question was a scene that most people find hilarious, where the two guys are trying to order at a drive through and the cashier won’t let them finish. Most people crack up when they watch this scene. Not me. It has been forever ruined thanks to one idiot named Eric.
See, Eric is one of those people who is under the mistaken impression that he’s hilarious, when he’s really not. That was just fine with me… right up until he gave the below description of the drive through scene.
“Oh god, it was so hilarious. You really have to see it. The first guy was trying to order food and the lady at the register… no, wait, it was a drive through… the lady as the drive through was all like “and then?” And the guy, he just kept ordering more stuff. Or maybe it was his friend ordering more stuff? <Starts cracking up hysterically like he is the very embodiment of George Carlin> And then, the lady was like ‘and then’ again and the guy was getting madder and madder, but she just kept saying ‘and then’ over and over again…<goes on for another 10 minutes, saying ‘and then’ in a very poor Asian accent>”
Nothing about the above description is remotely funny. It removes all humor from the scene by removing all instances of comedic timing, voice inflection and character reaction. When I watched it in the theater later on, as everyone laughed their asses off around me, I sat there, blank look on my face, without cracking a smile.
To top it off, Eric was with me (yes, he considered “Dude, Where’s My Car?” enough of a cinematic masterpiece to see it twice in the theater.) When the scene came up, I could feel him looking at me repeatedly to see if I was laughing too.
That’s another one of my pet peeves when watching a movie with someone, especially someone who has given me the recommendation in the first place. Stop watching me to see my reaction and watch the goddamn movie instead. You peaking over every 12 seconds, as you chuckle hysterically, trying to make sure I see the hilarity of whatever piece of shit you recommended to me, is distracting and annoying.
Even worse is when someone keeps telling you about a movie or TV show that you have no desire to watch at all. Again, take a page out of my brother’s book on this one.
Brother – Hey Essa, you know what show you’d probably like? Banshee.
Me – I did enjoy it briefly, but found the sex scenes exploitive and unnecessary
Brother – <hangs up the phone>
What can I say? My brother is a busy motherfucker. He also knows, because I have already indicated this is a program I would not enjoy, that he does not need to spend 45 minutes trying to convince me by summarizing the entire plotline. He doesn’t give a shit. He suggested it and let it go. It’s not like he has a vested interest in whether or not I watch “Banshee.” He doesn’t have money riding on it. He’s not getting kickbacks from the show. He just knows what I like, offered the recommendation, and moved on.
Now, let’s try this again with my buddy Eric.
Eric – Hey Essa, you know what show you’d like? Wilfred.
Me – I have attempted to watch the show, but did not enjoy it.
Eric – But you’d love it! It’s really your kind of humor. See, there’s this guy, and he’s bipolar. Or maybe he’s depressed? Hold on, let me IMDB it. <Five minutes of frustrated clicking> Yeah, he’s depressed. Anyway, his neighbor has this dog, but the depressed guy, he thinks it’s just a man wearing a dog costume and…
Me – <hangs up the phone>
When giving a recommendation, whether it be for TV or movies, take a page out of my brother’s book. Ask yourself “WWEBD” or “What would Essa’s brother do?” Hell, I even made a flowchart to help.
What I don’t need is you describing scenes or summarizing the plotline. I have the internet for that, and those people actually know what they’re doing. Your bumbling attempts to garner my interest are actually making me less interested.
I’m usually pretty good at picking out my own shows. I’m a bit of a movie buff and a professional movie reviewer to boot. I know what I like and I don’t need your help. But if you absolutely must make a movie recommendation to me, ask yourself ‘WWEBD?” beforehand to avoid pissing me off.
