Men – Getting Pumped
Hi, my name is Brandy Alexander and no, I am not an exotic dancer. My Uncle Andrew talked my dad into this name while keeping him company in a bar the night I was born.
Uncle Andrew, known to love a good time, thought our last name with Brandy would be a great New Orleans name for a girl. How drunk were they?
I met my friend Julia at work, but a giant downsizing laid her off. Unable to find a similar sales job, she took a friend up on the offer to get Julia a jog in the French Quarter at the Club Bare Minimum. Tonight, after the parade, she asked me to give her a ride to work. Julia is a high maintenance friend.
“Dante said to go straight home after the parade. Are you sure you can give me a ride?” Julia mocked in an unpleasant catty voice.
“After all the grief you give me not to listen to Dante, you think I should listen now? Let’s talk about you getting divorced. When is that going to happen? On second thought, let’s not,” I said. Julia didn’t catch the edge in my tone and went off on another tirade.
“If I knew S.J. couldn’t get it up before I married him, I wouldn’t have married him.”
“You, Julia, of all people would marry someone without a test drive?” My sarcasm did not register.
“Come to think of it, he did get it up once. So we decided to try the pump. The doctor said it is perfectly natural for a man his age to have issues. Now S.J. wants a penile implant. Can you imagine how much those cost? Ten thousand dollars!” she said answering her own question.
As much as your boob job? I wondered but I couldn’t get in a word so I only thought it. She knew when she met him, S.J. filed bankruptcy, he was horrendously overweight, drank in epic proportions, and now she is surprised to find out he is sexually dysfunctional? I had no chance to interrupt and would have to wait for her to stop talking. She stopped talking when she wanted you to answer her.
“I researched and decided to try the pump. You know when a man is aroused, his heart beats faster and the blood goes into the penis and it starts to erect, “ Julia started, but I held up both hands to cut her off.
“Julia, I know how a penis works despite what you think about my love life. Continue. Go on about the pump.” I didn’t need distractions as I tried to map a fast, uncomplicated route to get on and off Bourbon Street in the middle of Mardi Gras season.
She crossed her arms on her chest and stuck out her chin as if I had insulted her. After a nanosecond, she picked up right where she left off. “Well, the penis goes in the acrylic cylinder at one end and you are supposed to pump it from the other end. You are supposed to see it getting bigger in the clear tube, and when it gets big enough you slip on a rubber band to hold the blood in it to keep it erect. Well, I pumped it like the instructions said, and when it didn’t get any bigger I called the 800 number on the tube, and…”
“Wait. You called an 800 number on the tube while you were in the middle of pumping S.J.’s uh, uh………. S.J.?”
“Well, yeah. I had to ask them what I was doing wrong.” she said it as if this was the most normal course of action one would take while pumping a penis.
“So, what did they tell you, try two rubber bands and call me in the morning?”
“Oh, you are a riot. Very funny.” she said throwing her head back and doing the chin jut, but most of all, she stopped talking.
“OK. I’m sorry. Please, go ahead and finish the story.” I just wanted this saga over and didn’t want to revisit it later. She kept distracting me when I wanted to think about getting in and out of the French Quarter and not get stuck down there.
“I wasn’t doing anything wrong, his equipment is just shot. Kaput. Finished,” she said.
“His penis is out of warranty? Can you get a refund on the marriage license?” I asked.
“I am never telling you anything, ever again.” Julia paused, and then concluded, “But, the answer is no, and I can’t get a refund on the pump either. So, I am divorcing S.J. and he is going to pay for it. I have paid for everything else since we have been married.”
I didn’t want to mention S.J. filing for bankruptcy might impact how fast he would file the divorce.
Julia and I were both animal lovers but she took in all dogs, mostly strays or sad stories. Once, she stopped on the interstate in the pouring rain and coaxed a lab mix into her Mercedes. She had mud all over the leather seats and up to her ankles, ruining her very expensive four inch pumps. It probably cost more to clean the car seats and replace the shoes than pay for the divorce with S.J. Julia had her principals! She would never take any pet to a shelter, and now had another mouth to feed. This is how Julia and I, kindred spirits who loved animals, were friends in spite of many other things we did not have in common.
Julia was dating S.J. when I first met her. S.J. told you, and told you often, he retired from pro ball. He stood about 6’9”. I am not sure what he retired from as his story never finished or he changed the subject if you got around to asking. He drank a lot and it turned him into a mean drunk. I can’t even imagine what possessed Julia to marry this buffoon, but marry him she did. S.J. might be what got Julia into taking on stray dogs, or maybe the dogs influenced Julia to take on S.J.. After her neighbor died in the hospital, Julia kept her 120 lb. Black and Tan Coon hound that howled at everything, all the time. S.J. started to rag on her about all the dogs she took in. The drinking, saying negative things about the dogs, and his inability to sexually please Julia, bought him a one way ticket out the front door.
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