Through the Fire

Let’s get a li’ll WooWoo.

I was absent from this blog and life in general for about two years. Two freaking years. You wanted news, updates on the books, deep spiritual shit, the cosmic connection about what’s good in the world.

My response to that? Blah.

I got rilled up enough to write that post about Everybody’s Jekyll, (yes I meant to use Jekyll not Hyde it’s deep) and then poof went the spark.

Blah.

Nine years ago I got a glimpse of my divine self.  Maybe just myself.  A taste of working with the flow and fire of creation, of aligning mind, body and spirit. I had it for a while.  I was in a good place.

Then I lost it. Life no longer worked, I was trapped in the suck, in the illusion, and I utterly did not give a shit about the world, my writing, or anything else. I was in a boat, fighting the current, unable to appreciate the beauty of the ocean.

I’m have no fucking idea how I got there.  Trust me, I’m deep introspective person.  I can self analyze like nobodies business, but I cannot say with any level of certainty how I got there. I have a few guesses, but no concrete answer.  I suppose the point is, it doesn’t really matter how.  I was there.

I’ve sat in a dark place before. Scorpios are all about pushing those emotional lines to our breaking points, setting that motherfucker on fire, and walking out of the ashes like a badass.  This was different than my first break down.  Similar, but different. It was so bad that the emotional beating I was getting, or giving to myself, almost tested my limits. It’s like being tortured and during it you’re all “fuck this”, “no way” “omg can’t take it please stop”.

Seven weeks ago, I decided I had enough. I really recognized my blah as being a problem, the constant life struggling, the depression, the stress was all taking a toll, mentally and physically. It sucked ya’ll. A lot. For some reason though, I decided I didn’t want to be in this place anymore.

It started with an awareness of it. An understanding of where I was that I didn’t have the first time I got punched in the mouth by the universe, my higher self, my soul whatever. But, after awareness comes the hardest part; how the fuck do I fix it?

The first time this happened I made MAJOR life changes. Got divorced, moved from New Jersey to New Orleans, changed jobs, serious shit. It wasn’t going to be that this time. This time it was a lot more subtle. I needed to change little things to get back to the basics.

Here’s where we get WooWoo. Spiritual. Stay with me.

When I decided I wasn’t going to be in the suck space anymore it was like my higher self open the cover to the hole I was in, shinned in the light and said “Welcome back bitch!”.

Step two: I started taking the stress off myself. I got rid of things, projects, whatever that I just couldn’t do anymore. I started letting people know Crystal was closed for personal work and everybody elses emo shit I couldn’t take on anymore.

Step three: I went back to my meditations. Don’t get crazy I’ve never been one of those people who sat in floating lotus position for hours on end. Twenty minutes max. Usually anywhere from a minute to ten. Most days I work my meditations while I’m in the shower. Point is I went back to it. I consulted Cameron Day for help on clearing out deep emotional wounds that I’m carrying that I don’t need anymore. I went back to chakra work, to cleaning my spiritual bubble, to putting my shields up.

Step Four. I started exercising more. Again lets not get crazy, thirty minutes every other day of that serious workout video shit, but I do walk daily. It helps I have Siberian Husky who demands outside time. I’ve started eating a little bit better. I’m probably never going to be health food nut person who eats a balanced diet 24/7 but I go organic when I can, and work in more fruits when I can aka when I have the money to buy that shit.

Seven weeks later the end result? It’s better. Holy crap am I better. Peeps, it’s like night and fucking day. I’m redeveloping daily good habits. My freelancing as a web designer which is what is paying the bills so I can continue to work from home and write is finally becoming more stable. I care about the world gain. I’m rilled up about things, and most importantly this glorious fucking third book I owe you and myself is finally getting out of my head and onto paper.

I’m not going to say it’s all unicorns and rainbows. I still have deep emotional wounds that hurt every now and again, moreso they remind me they are still there and I need to give them the time and attention to heal and set them free. There are other things that I might need to go see a shrink about eventually. And everyday I have to make the consciousness decision to be in this place, instead of the other.

But at least it’s not this feet dragging, soul sucking battle anymore. It’s better. Gosh its so much better.

So here’s what’s up. If you’ve been sitting in that well and you’ve decided you don’t wanna be there anymore remember that little things can help you. A spiritual practice, whatever that means to you, can help you. Awareness of yourself, honesty, and a lotta forgiveness and love of yourself, can help you. And don’t be afraid to cut people off when you need to. It’s not mean. If they really are your people they will understand. If they don’t, they weren’t really your people and it’s probably a good thing you removed them from your energy bubble.

Remember to give it time. Bad habits are hard to break, but it’s not impossible. Be kind to yourself. I’m a big picture girl and this whole a little bit at a time thing I find deeply annoying, but fuck it, sometimes you gotta go small to go big. I’m still not in a place where I can go back to being the spiritual rock. I’m still fairly fragile at the moment, still work to be done. That’s okay. I’m moving forward again, skipping along and bitching, and skipping and laughing, and bitching, and you get the point.

It’s fun again. Walking through the fire like a baws.