Things That Will Happen If You Follow My Facebook Author Page

1. Giant robots will come to your city and fight destructively while you watch from an excellent vantage point at a safe distance.

2. You will always cook popcorn and pancakes perfectly and people will be amazed.

3. If you are in a quiet room with other people, something loud and distracting will happen every time your guts are about to make funny prolonged gurgling noises.

4. You will be able to to spell "mayonnaise" and "Albuquerque" without having to look them up.

5. When people ask you a question regarding an obscure subject, it will be on the one fact you know about it.

6. You will suddenly have the ability to spin small items between your fingers before putting them away.

7. Your knack for accessorizing will rise to the level of a mutant superpower.

8. You will not get a major disease.*

*I'm not saying you won't get any major diseases, just that you won't get one of them.

9. They will start making new episodes of your favorite cancelled series.

10. Ever seen the movie Scanners? Yeah, you'll be able to do that.

11. You will be able to calculate a 20% tip quickly in your head, even when it's something weird like $7.31.

12. The more donuts you eat, the smarter you will get.

13. You will develop a single, super-dense new muscle deep in your abdomen. Clenching it once will burn 4,000 calories.

14. When engaged in conversation, witty comebacks will scroll in front of your line of sight like you're the Terminator.

15. You will be entitled to one full do-over per day.

16. Your favorite famous person will call your number by accident, and find you so charming that you will talk for hours.

17. At precisely the right moment, while everyone is watching, you will hit something and it will start working.

18. You will acquire the capability to telepathically transfer paper cuts from yourself to your enemies.

19. When having a nightmare, there will be a lever you can pull that will instantly activate an uptempo Broadway musical number.

20. The thing you need will be the first thing you find when you open the drawer.

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Legal disclaimer: statements in this blog post may not be true. But then again, what is truth? Are we really equipped to process deep issues related to the ultimate nature of being and reality? Especially after 10 p.m. Offer not valid in deep intergalactic space. Void where no matter exists. Some restrictions apply stickers to other restrictions. Discontinue use if traveling backwards in time. Cough syrup should not be used as a substitute sweetener.