Post the Ninety-Third: Tits and Teeth

Underworld showfolk have to stick together, Gentle Reader – which is why one of the guiding tenets of my social philosophy is cribbed directly from the Vegas Show-Girl’s mouth: a phrase known simply as “Tits and Teeth.”

Pictured Here

That’s what the patrons are there to see, after all, sexist though it be – but when I’m under the weather, or wrestling with my emotions, or when I’m frankly damned annoyed at someone – well, it’s a good piece of advice for daily life.

“But Doctor,” I imagine you’re saying, ” You don’t have any tits! How can you possibly follow this golden chestnut?” It’s very easy, Reader. I simply step away – for a cigarette outside, perhaps, or a visit to the washroom – I take a few deep breaths – I close my eyes and center myself. When I open my eyes, I straighten my posture, adjust my tie, and paste a beaming false grin on my face as best I can. My voice becomes booming, jovial; as though everyone is my best friend and also it’s Christmas.

Artist’s Rendition

This will sometimes backfire, as – if I’m too stressed, or in the throes of depression – my fake grin is faintly terrifying. More than one person has pointed this out to me. Further, if alcohol has been involved over the course of the evening, the big jolly smile never reaches my eyes, which is a dead giveaway.

Honestly, though, it’s the effort that makes the difference. Simply taking a moment to ground oneself and reorient works wonders on its own – and no matter what caused you to need a brief break, simply repeating the phrase “Tits and Teeth” can help shift your perspective, and allow you to salvage at least some pleasure from the evening.

Tagged: Anxiety Maybe, Etiquette, I don't even know what this is y'all, Showgirls, Social Advice, Tits and Teeth