Talking Kink n Seduction – The Importance of a Collar

The Importance of a Collar

 

 

No cute title this time, the subject matter is far too serious. Collars. What they are, what they do and most importantly, what they mean to the very lucky subs to be offered one by a worthy Dom.

 

 

 

A collar is a physical object used to show ownership. Some use necklaces, bracelets, rings or even tattoos but the most common and standard collars are a leather or chainmail length to be worn about the neck. There are low key “day collars” for everyday wear that can pass as a necklace among vanilla friends; glitzy dress-collars for high nights on the town to show off a pampered sub; but my favorite are the simple, straightforward leather straps like you might find on any mongrel dog. Because a collar is so much more than its physical appearance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A collar will tell you a lot about a relationship and the individuals who have chosen it. Firstly, it lets you know the sub you speak to is owned and protected. More than that, the type of collar can give you hints to the sub or Dom’s personality. Is it pink, frilly or have words like “princess” or “baby girl” on it? Odds are, you are observing a Little Girl who most likely has a Daddy Dom just waiting for her to pout those cotton candy lips. (Oh, but does it have heavier rings on it too? She’s most likely a masochist too.) Does he wear ringed arm bands and a chainmail choker? Chances are good he’s into heavier pain or humiliation play, especially if you see words like “pup” written on his body or clothes. My point being that a collar is a very personal thing that reflects who we are in ways we hardly think about when we see something and say “Ohhh shiny!”

 

 

 

But what really makes a collar important, what really transforms a simple leather strap into a tear-inducing privilege is the emotion behind one. You would never feed a stray dog once and automatically assume complete ownership and control of him, so should you never be too quick to offer or accept a collar within a D/s relationship. Collars are a physical symbol or the love, adoration and devotion we feel towards one another and can only truly be worn when the feelings are there to match it. Many subs I know, myself included, feel our collars are a more true and important representation of our relationship than our wedding rings (if we have them.) I know in my heart I am a submissive first and a husband second in my relationship and my Dom reciprocates this notion. Collaring within our community is still a VERY BIG DEAL and I have been to collaring ceremonies that were more fancy and decked out than a wedding reception. Because it’s more than an accessory, it’s our commitment to each other. It’s our community’s form of marriage.

 

 

Now many people, especially newbies do not understand the gravity of being Collared. They accept the term after a few chats on FetLife then take their release when someone gets bored. Remember how I said it was our form of MARRIAGE? Remember a certain Kardashian who was Married for 72 days and the world threw a fit? (I don’t think I need to elaborate further here.) I am not saying people shouldn’t continue collaring/being collared, but please consider the true commitment behind such an act. Collaring is a major milestone goal for a mature relationship. A Dom should feel loved, completed, proud and excited to collar their submissive. A sub should feel loved, completed, proud, excited, safe, warm, protected and encouraged when they accept the collar of their Dom.

 

 

 

 

I see a lot of shelter/rescue animal sites that advertise their residents as “looking for a forever home,” and the same is true of many of us here. Before you take that leash and lead us out on your arm think about it. Are you giving us a Forever Home in your heart? Will you take care of us when we’re lonely, play with us when we’re happy and give us lots of hugs and treats just because? When you show up with that collar in your hand, that’s the kind of commitment we’re expecting. That’s why our love is so sweet, so fierce and so strong. That’s why it hurts so much when you leave.

~ baby Boy

 

 

YOUR QUESTIONS:
(Questions are answered by either one of or a mix of responses from Growling Guru, baby boy and Princess S.O.)

ANONYMOUS ASKED:

I have a further question to your post of today, re: etiquette:

-what if you are not in the lifestyle, but you are in a social setting where most everyone else is?  I have been at Clubs, play parties and just in less formal settings and have been one of the few people not in the lifestyle.   I have the habit of calling the Doms “Sir”.  I just happens, quite naturally.   I didn’t even think about it until after, and I don’t want anyone to think I’m trying to be someone I’m not, nor do I want to insult/upset any subs.

Like any sub who is actively in the lifestyle choices to address a Dom/Dommes as Sir/Mistress is wholly up to you. Sir/sir is never inappropriate at a social when used out of simple respects. As for offending a subbie: as long as you’re not overstepping the bounds from manners to flirting, a trained subbie would usually find it flattering that you would respect their Dom, by referring them as Sir. But there is always a few that need a spanking to remind them that. So do stay at arm’s length. HA! Unless invited closer.

 

ANONYMOUS ASKED:

If I may, a new question, and input from both of you would be appreciated:

-I hear a lot that Doms/subs “are born, not made”.  What are your feelings on that?   And where does that leave people who spent most of their lives without a clue, and then had their eyes and minds opened to possibilities?   Doesn’t evolution work here too?

We both disagree that Doms are born. Alphas are born and there is no other way for them to exist than to be controlling and demanding, its nature and comes out whether they’ve learned to control their actions or not. Hence why they are often regarded as Assholes. It comes with the genes. Being a Dom, is the art of taking control, it’s a skill one learns. To read a subbie’s body and train them. Some may come very natural at it at the early stages of sex and relationships; others discovering it and embrace it further down in life. Then there are those who may take a slow liking to it, like an acquired taste. No kind of self-discovery, even in pleasure, is wrong. Like food, there are some things out there that you will love the moment it hits your tongue. Though you won’t know it until you taste it for the first.  

For the question about evolution: we are always growing and changing. In likes, activities, careers, hobbies and goals. What we did five years ago may not be the same we do now. This includes our relationships and sex lives. You may have never considered yourself a Dom/sub before, but as you have grown, had set backs and evolutions, you may find your journey has brought you to kneel before someone, or escort someone into unchartered territories of pleasure and connection.

 

If you have questions (curiosity, fun or serious) or would like to know more about a certain topic, leave a comment below or send to growling.guru@gmail.com, (your name will not be shared)