Does your partner think you’re working too much?

Here’s a painfully familiar situation: You’re heading home after a day at work that ran longer than you expected, and the tone of the text exchange you just had with your partner makes it clear he or she is upset. So, you spend the commute having a conversation with them in your head, in which you convincingly explain why you’re late, and how he or she responds with perfect understanding. Then you get home and before you get through the first line of your well-practiced explanation, the two of you are arguing.

That argument doesn’t have to happen. With a few subtle shifts in how you approach the conversation, you and your partner can move beyond the stalemate.

1. Apologize Less And Thank More

Your justification for being late is probably sound; it’s also probably just what she expects to hear. After all, she’s been having the same conversation in her head that you’ve been having in yours. So take the conversation somewhere new. Say, ’Thank you. Without you here doing what you do, I can’t do what I do. Let her know you appreciate that she takes over for you when you can’t be home.

2. Don’t Think Of It As A Conflict

The minute you set up a conflict, you fuel it, closing the door on the vulnerabilities underneath. You’re both looking for more understanding, compassion and empathy, but it’s always easier to argue than express more complicated emotions like loneliness or sadness or insecurity. Whatever the particulars, you’ve likely had the argument many times before, so don’t go toward the same impasse. Try to go under it.

3. You Create The Person Who Receives You

Your partner admires you for working hard – it’s likely part of why he fell for you in the first place – so acknowledge if you’ve taken that for granted. Are you quicker to respond to texts from co-workers than from him? Are you always able to take work lunches but never have lunch with him? “If you make him feel like he always comes last, when you get home he’s going to remind you that he exists. Ask yourself,”When was the last time I made my partner feel like he matters?”

4. It’s Not About The Work

It’s about the way you work and how that affects her. Arguments are rarely about the content, they’re about what the content evokes in people. Instead of trying harder to get her to see your point, try harder to see her point. If you hold up her flag for her, she can let go of it, and that gives her room to see your flag.

* This advice was adapted in a recent blog post on fatherly.com.

Looking for more guidance? You’re in luck: October Workshop Class Topic #2 (tomorrow!) is Pursuing Passion: From the Office to the Bedroom. Sign up here.