It’s My Party, and I’ll Cry if I Want To

“Seek out the significance of your problem at this time. Try to understand.”

Let me preface this by saying: It’s my birthday month. Growing up, my doting parents made sure I felt special on my birthday. Even if it was just a card, cake, and candles. To this day, I still have fond memories of pink champagne cake (do they still sell that anymore?).

So it was with great excitement and hope that I entered this month. Alas, I’ve already been slammed with three rejections. One of which was the PEN Emerging Voices Fellowship. I heard great things from a past alumna about the program, so I’m sad to not get selected.

On the bright side, they did send me an email to update me about my application. Which do you think is better? Cold silence, or a waiting email? I’m not sure. It’s hard not ever knowing, but it’s also difficult having the rise of anticipation turn into a drop-off-a-cliff letdown. At least, they wrote that there were “an overwhelming number of applicants, and unfortunately, a very limited number of spots.”

The fellowship is “intended for promising writers who lack access.” Does it mean that I didn’t lack enough access? That I was too promising–or not enough? Well, best of luck to the 2015 Fellows!

Will the beginning blues of this month evolve into exciting endings? I certainly hope so. There’s still a few more weeks before the month finishes after all.