It’s No Big Deal

It was an exciting day ahead for me as I woke up and excitedly chose my outfit for a photo shoot. I had just self-published the second book in my paranormal mystery series, Secret of the Big Easy, and I was getting my picture taken for the local newspaper.

Fussing with the last minute touches of my makeup I received a text from my son, Nathan.

“Morning.”

I replied, “Hey morning. What’s up baby?”

“Nothing, I just can’t sleep, as usual. I guess I’ve been stressed.”

After taking a last glance in the mirror I sent a text message back replying, “Over what honey?”

“Just stupid random stuff.”

“Aw, I’m sorry. There’s no reason you should be stressed. You have great roommates and a cool apartment. A job while you’re going to school. You’re a senior in college. You’ll be fine. One day at a time. Go get some exercise. I don’t like cutting this short, but I’m getting ready to leave and drive, so I can’t text anymore. I’m going to get my picture taken today for that article.”

“Okay, I’ll let you go. Text me when you’re finished.”

“Will do, love you.”

After an hour of chatting with the photographer about paranormal mysteries and ghost hunting I got back into my car and sent a text to tell Nathan I was heading over to the garage to get the emissions checked on our car.

He replied, “I sent you an email, but don’t read it when you’re driving.”

“Okay, but I don’t see anything on my phone. Let me head over there now and I’ll check in a little while.”

I pulled into the garage and stopped at the signal from the upheld hands of the mechanic and got out of the car. I waited in the tiny cubicle they called a lounge and again checked my phone. Still no email from Nate, so I perused my work emails until my car was finished. I paid the fourteen dollars, got back into my car, and did a last minute check on my phone. I finally saw the email. I pulled out of the garage and into the parking lot and read what he had sent.

 

Mom,

I feel there are a lot of things that have been wearing so heavily on me that I haven’t been able to talk about with you, which is hard because not only are you my mom but you’re also one of my best friends, whom I go to for everything. I feel like a coward for sending this to you via email, but I don’t quite think the words would come out if I were to try and physically talk to you.

It’s taken me a while to tell you this and I feel awful for that. But I love you so much and you’re one of the most understanding and compassionate people I have ever known in my lifetime. I feel like I have been putting on an act and never really been able to say two simple words, “I’m gay”. With this said, I hope it doesn’t come as a shock to you, considering how in tune to details you are.

I’m almost 22 years old now and I want you to know me for who I am, even though it doesn’t change who I truly am.

I’m really sorry for dropping this on you now and I hope it doesn’t ruin your day, but there’s been a lot on my mind and it kills me not to be able to come to you for advice. I understand if you need time to take this all in, and again, I’m so sorry that I had to do it through an email.

Love, Nathan

 

My breathing stopped and there was a low humming in my ears. There were no tears but my heart began to beat at such a rapid pace that my arms began to tingle. Time stood still as cars whizzed by me on the main road. I re-read the email and immediately dialed Nathan’s number.

When he answered the phone I paused with a small hesitation and his voice hitched. He immediately thought I was disappointed. I told him that was not the case and I loved him more than he could ever imagine. He shared with me he knew he was gay when he was a senior in high school and he officially came out in his sophomore year of college. He was proud and comfortable in his own skin and the only struggle he had was telling me.

I told him I sort of suspected for a short while now but subconsciously tucked that thought in the back of my brain. We chatted for a little while longer but I told him I needed to head back to work. I regained some composure and tried to remember how to drive a car. I knew it probably wasn’t a very smart idea but I needed to do something. I drove to my husband’s place of employment in a fog and relayed the information to him and read the email…again. My husband said he wasn’t surprised and he had suspected this for a while too.  He said he had a gut feeling a few years back when he saw how Nathan hung out with a ton of girls but he never dated any of them.  He couldn’t really put his finger on it, it was just a gut feeling.  But even though we suspected, we still felt a sense of shock.

I said goodbye to my husband remembering his wonderful words of support and encouragement and started the drive home, when within a short distance down the road…it happened. I was two minutes away from my house when a wave of emotions exploded out of my mouth with sounds I never knew existed. After what felt like an eternity, I arrived in my driveway and sat in the car and sobbed. I’m not sure how long I sat there, but I couldn’t see through my tears and my nose was stuffed to the point that I had to breathe through my mouth, which brought on more strange noises.

I made it into the house and melted onto the living room couch and tried to understand why I was crying. I wasn’t ashamed. I was proud of my son. He told me he wasn’t ashamed of himself and was proud of who he was. Why on earth am I crying?

As my breathing slowly returned to normal I understood the reason for my tears. Nathan had known since he was a senior in high school. All of his friends knew and everyone now in college knew…except me. Where did I go wrong to give off the impression that my son couldn’t come to me with this? I wasn’t there for him during a time of grave importance in discovering who he was and how he felt. Was he frightened? Did people make fun of him? I wasn’t there to protect him. I wasn’t there to share his feelings of concern, fear, or there to have heart to heart conversations. I felt like a failure. Every mother’s passion for their child is to be there for them no matter what goes on in their lives. To bandage their cut knees, wipe away their tears, chase away the bullies, and hold them in our arms until all the pain goes away.

After pushing all of those thoughts out of my head, I realized another reason for my tears. I believe I had this perception of normal for my son’s life. You know the one where he gets an amazing job, finds a wife, gets married, and has children? Then I felt ashamed for assuming what my idea was of normal.

My phone rang and Nathan’s name appeared on the screen. I answered trying to clear my voice and disguise the muffled sound coming through my nose.

“Hey, how’s it going?” I rolled my eyes and thought what a dumb question.

He replied, “It’s going great, but how are you?”

“Well, I can’t deny I wasn’t a little shocked, even though I suspected. I also can’t deny that I’ve been crying for the last hour. At first I didn’t understand my tears, but I suddenly realized that I feel as though I have failed you. Why on earth couldn’t you come to me with this when you were a senior in high school? Were you scared or confused when you discovered this about yourself? Did people hurt you when you told them? I’m also embarrassed to admit that I always envisioned you getting married and having children. I guess I have so many questions.”

Nathan cleared his throat and said, “Mom, this has nothing to do with the kind of parent you are or how you raised me. In fact, you raised me with open eyes and with unconditional love and you taught me to never judge others. I don’t understand where it comes from but I just realized I had more feelings for men than women, and I was never scared or confused. I know exactly who I am…which is me. Nothing has changed and being gay doesn’t define who I am. And no, nobody was mean to me when I came out to them. They all pretty much assumed I was gay. I still want a family, and you certainly didn’t fail as a mother. In fact, because of you it was easy for me to come out. But I should have told you earlier and I apologize for that, because the one person whose opinion means the most to me is yours, and I couldn’t bear to see any pain on your face when I told you. So I avoided it…until now.”

A smile slowly erupted over my face and I took a deep breath. “Well Nate, I’m proud of you. It takes a real man to stand up and let the world know who he is without any fear. You are still the same handsome, intelligent, funny, loving, and compassionate Nathan you’ve always been. And I couldn’t love you more. I just need to alter my perception of normal a little.”

Nathan chuckled and said, “Thanks mom, you have no idea how important that is to me. I need to go. Call me with any other questions you may have. I do need some dating advice. But I think I’ll give you a little more time before we jump into that conversation. But remember, it’s no big deal, love you.”

“Yes thank you for giving me time on the subject of dating. And I love you too Nate. More than you will ever know.”

I set the phone on my lap and looked up at the ceiling and smiled. “He’s right it isn’t a big deal, and thank you God. Thank you for giving me the greatest gift I could have ever received…my son.”

In the following days to come I felt the need to share this with our immediate family, mainly out of respect. I suppose I wanted to take the burden off of Nathan. I carefully weighed the order in which I would place the phone calls and one by one I called my step children and then my parents and siblings. It was difficult at first trying to refrain from blubbering but I was amazed at the responses I received. Just about everyone had already suspected Nathan was gay. In fact, my parents had been waiting for this phone call for the past several years. Which makes me wonder, where the hell was I? How did I not know earlier? Many have told me I was too close to the situation. Who knows, but they all gave me such incredible support and were equally proud of Nathan. It warmed my heart to have these people in my family and life.

But unfortunately, all wasn’t perfect and some of my family members shared their opposing opinion on the subject. Of course, I did ask for it. They went on to tell me they believed being gay was a choice and that Nathan was sinning. They quoted from the bible stating marriage is a sacred vow between a man and woman. But they also said that Jesus broke bread with the sinners. I guess that was some consolation in their minds. But as I sat and listened it didn’t surprise me and my first response was, “Aren’t we all sinners?”

I could feel my face getting hot and I believe if this had happened a few years ago I would have popped off over the phone and then hung up. But I have grown over the years and I just decided to tell them that we’ll have to agree to disagree.

Now, don’t get me wrong, the second I hung up the phone I began to cry. It broke my heart and I needed to share it with my husband and parents. My parents said I should pray for them to learn tolerance. However, I didn’t feel like praying for them. I knew the most important thing for me was to forgive, if not for their sake, but for my own so I could heal. But I just wasn’t there yet. I needed to grieve, and grieving is what I did. I went to bed only to toss and turn throughout the night. I vowed I wouldn’t share any of this with Nathan. He didn’t need to know how these people felt. It’s only now as this story unfolds, that Nathan is learning about what took place.

I am, have always been, and always will continue to be a person of very strong faith. After hearing those harsh words I began to doubt the whole concept of homosexuality. Yes, I felt as if I or Nathan had done something wrong. But that literally only lasted for a few minutes. I knew the thoughts I had were not true because I know my God, and my God gave me my son as a gift, and this was to be our journey.

After a few more days of working through the pain I decided to reach out to some of my gay friends. I shared my story and asked how they dealt with their coming out. It surprised me how different each situation was, but all of them stated that being gay was not a choice…it just is. It helped me to hear their stories and to learn and understand their views. I wasn’t alone in having some family members pull out the bible card and it was refreshing to hear their reaction was a common one. They all agreed I was handling it wonderfully and reaching out to them was a good step in the process. They also said how extremely difficult it was for Nathan to come out to me and the way I responded was therapeutic for him.

As the weeks continued to progress I found myself sharing Nathan’s coming out with a few close friends and co-workers. I really can’t say why other than it was possibly therapeutic for me, and hearing me say it became easier. Even though I’m tremendously proud of my son and love him unconditionally, I still can’t deny it’s odd for me in the sense that I’m ignorant in this area. I’m not gay and have only learned to know friends who are gay later on in life. This was the first experience with someone so close to me. The biggest concern I had was to be sure I learned everything I could to be a better support system for my son.

There are still people I haven’t told about Nathan coming out. I think it’s because I’ve discovered that it isn’t a big deal. It’s not as if you go up to a person and say hello, how have you been, oh by the way, Nathan’s gay. Such a silly concept, don’t you think?

I know there will come a time when Nathan will meet someone and bring him home to meet me and my husband. I again won’t deny this will be a new experience for me and a little scary perhaps, but I will welcome them with open arms because that is something I do know about…motherhood. I chose to have my son and raise him with unconditional love and teach him to become the exact person he is, and I grow more proud of him every day. So, in my mind, you take baby steps and walk in faith. Isn’t that what life is all about?

I can honestly say that I love the life I’ve been given. I’ve always enjoyed new things and challenges in my growth as a person and this is definitely one of them. After all, we can’t change what we’ve been given in life, no matter what the circumstances. It’s how we handle the situation day to day that matters and I try to grow and learn to do better every day.

It has been over two years since Nathan came out and it no longer pops into my head every fifteen minutes. I ask Nathan questions, and he continually laughs hysterically at some of them, but I can’t help it. I am who I am, and we’ve always been pretty up front and honest. I even sent him a picture of some men who were out in a restaurant that I thought were handsome. His response was that I crack him up.

I said, “Hey, it doesn’t matter who you date, I’m still going to have a say.”

I remember him asking me how I didn’t know he was gay because we watch BRAVO together. Yes, that’s Nathan and he makes me laugh often too. But I did have a frightening question I asked him when he first came out to me. It was one I wrestled with but needed to know. I had read where some young teenagers had committed suicide instead of coming out to anyone, or because of the way someone responded to their coming out. That broke my heart. I couldn’t stand the idea of my son possibly struggling with those thoughts. When I asked, he emphatically answered …no. He was that confident and secure. I can’t deny I stood a little taller when I heard his response.

As far as the family members who quoted me the bible, well I have forgiven them. It wasn’t easy and I did it in my own time. I had to, because I wouldn’t be any better than they are with regard to judging. They’re entitled to their opinions and belief systems, just as I am with mine. But I do feel a little sorry for them because it seems like such a narrow way to think and live.

There are so many people out in the world with a vast variety of beliefs and preferences and I find that exciting because the world is massive and we’re only on it for such a short time. I think it’s fascinating to learn about anyone and everyone who comes in and out of my life. I’m a curious person by nature and I think everyone who lives on this earth is contributing something and you never know how they may affect you.

I can’t control what anyone else may think or say with regard to Nathan being gay. To be perfectly honest, I really don’t care. I can only account for myself and I plan to continue to learn to be a better person. I want to treat everyone I meet with the same respect as I would want them to treat me. It doesn’t matter whether they are black, white, purple, green, short, tall, thin, fat, gay, bisexual, catholic, protestant, Jewish, atheist, Republican, Democrat, man, woman, rich, poor, own a large home, homeless, or anything else that I may have missed. We are all the same and live in a country where we deserve to be treated equally. We all matter.

So if you are struggling with either being gay and haven’t come out yet or are a parent of someone who is gay or bisexual or someone has wronged you because of your sexual preference, don’t let it break your spirit or demean who you are. Stand strong and proud and take those baby steps of faith and know you are not alone. Because that’s exactly what I have done and I’m all the richer having done so, because just as Nathan said, “It’s no big deal.”