If I were king for a day I would execute eavesdroppers, morris dancers and Bruce Forsyth | Terry Eagleton

And citizens would be legally obliged to beat up anyone who blunders into them in the street while texting

My first move as monarch would be to tackle those grim institutions in which antisocial types are confined for years only to emerge as much a threat to civilised society as ever. Having abolished the public schools, I would turn to the question of language. On-the-spot fines will be issued to people who say refute when they mean deny, fortuitous when they mean fortunate and floor when they mean ground. People who tell you that they literally exploded with laughter will be literally exploded. Those who talk about their life as a journey will have their travels rapidly terminated.

Anything that cant change without either sea-changing or step-changing will be done away with. Nothing will be delivered except babies and parcels. There will be a prize for the first journalist able to write about young people or old people without using the word vulnerable. Nobody will pass away any more. Instead, they will die not least people who talk about passing away. Guardian leader writers will be paraded naked through the streets for thinking that beg the question means raise the question.

Continue reading...