Ponderings

My grandmother died this morning. Her passing has me thinking a great deal about reactions and how people behave. How much of our behavior is about being socially acceptable or behaving in the way others expect us to behave for the simple reason that we don't want to appear cold or uncaring.

I only say this because I'm not the blubbering type. Sure, I have broken down and cried a few times since I learned of her passing, but I'm not a complete wreck and I'm not going to be a somber sod for weeks on end, and for some reason I feel a social pressure that suggests I should be. Instead, I prefer to remember my grandmother as she was 7+ years ago when she was still vibrant and independent. Hell, she drove until she was 92 (she was 99 when she passed). We should all hope we're as vibrant if we're going to live that long. I don't think I'll go to the wake just because I went to my father-in-law's and my last memory of him is in that casket. I don't want that memory of my grandmother.

So today my mood is pensive, but not completely void of joy or happiness. I am happy she is no longer suffering. At the end she was immobile, going deaf and blind, and in constant pain. I have a lot of wonderful memories of her even if sometimes dealing with her was a test of my patience.  I'm not really the sentimental type and at the same time Grandma will be missed and I'll always carry her in my heart even if I'm not a blubbering, depressed wreck.

After all, death is the natural conclusion to life and if anything - she lived a very long and full life and my grief is not so much for her, but for the fact that she will be missed and the fact that I'll have a hard time watching other family members who maybe didn't have as much closure as I did deal with the pain of that loss.