What Do I Fear?

My biggest fear is the fear of failure.

Growing up, I seriously thought my dad had great pleasure in telling me how stupid I was. Especially when I had to ask him for help with math. It seemed that us four older ones could never do anything right. He didn’t actually call us failures but we were disappointments. His negativity has been ingrained in me. When I feel that I have done something wrong, his voice I hear. I allow myself to listen to his voice for maybe a split second. My little sister’s voice takes over. She tells me to be positive. Sometimes I wish he was still here so that I could ask him why he couldn’t be proud of us all. None of us smoked, did drugs, or got in trouble in school. There are just some things I do not understand when it comes to my father.

I am in school, at my age! I fear that I may fail a course. Sometimes I wonder if my writing is good enough. I have always wanted to be a writer. I often second guess myself about that. I am my own worst enemy. I can nitpick something that I have written to death.

I am ignoring his (Dad’s) voice more and more. I am learning to tell it to shut up and go away! I try to be more positive about my writing. I guess what I am saying is that I feel that I need validation.

Hope your day is full of sunshine and laughter!

Laurie Jackson :)