Wanted: Perfect Neighbors

Today’s the day. Our newest neighbors, the couple who bought the house belonging to our beloved, late Ceil, are closing on the sale today. The gossip is flying like flak around here as people chitchat over their dogs’ tangled leashes or pass one another at the one mailbox in the neighborhood. I heard he’s a pediatrician! I don’t think they have kids, but why would they buy a three bedroom place if they weren’t planning on it? Anyone know what the wife does?

And of course, because all of us are the embodiment of “House Poor” here in the Bay Area: How much did they pay?

I realize, what with the ink drying on the closing papers today, that it’s a little late to create a wish list of attributes for my new neighbors. But since they’ll be living directly across the street from us, I feel like we should have a say. And a sugar-borrowing gal can dream, can’t she?

Wanted: Perfect Neighbors

We: are an Oakland neighborhood that didn’t used to be distinguished enough to merit a name, but thanks to the Homeowners Association and the latest real estate bubble, find ourselves now living in an area with a fancy moniker and official signage. We lack sidewalks, or flat streets on which to teach your children how to ride bikes, and our utilities sag overhead because we are so far down the city’s priority list for “undergrounding.” But on a clear day, if you go to the end of the street and stand on your tiptoes and look around the utility wires, you can see the ocean.

We are an Oakland mélange of ages, races, and religions (exemplified by the winter holiday lights that spell out “Oy! Joy!” on one neighbor’s house every December) but unified on one important thing: we all jump out of the way when Oakland’s mayor careens through in her car, heading out from her house two streets over.

We believe in free sharing of green bin space. If you set your green bin by the curb half empty on garbage day, we believe it is our right to put our leaf overflow in there. It all evens out eventually.

You: were probably priced out of San Francisco, or maybe read the New York Times article about how Oakland is the new Brooklyn. That’s fine. You’ll soon see that Oakland is its very own category.

Required:

Children in need of babysitting, or a plan to produce such children within nine months. (Nothing like that first night in a new house to celebrate!) You won’t know until you have children how lucky you are to have two teenage babysitters living directly across the street, but they won’t be here forever. And they need to earn some of their own money so they stop taking ours. Failing the presence of or plans to produce children, have animals that need pet sitters. Our kids are versatile. We’re seeking the Full Employment Act here. Willingness to remove political signs in your yard within 3 days of election results being announced. Best not to give the mayor anything to aim for with her car in your yard. An aversion to seasonal blowup decorations. We already have a neighbor who has the market on blowups covered. Must agree that parking directly perpendicular to our driveway is a recipe for disaster. Because of the angle of our driveway, I promise you we cannot see your car until the back end of our car has pushed its side panel in by eight inches. We know this from experience. Promise that you will not change our favorite ‘70s-tastic feature from Ceil’s house, which has never been on the market before: the blender that is built into the countertop, perfect for churning out milkshakes to the afterschool crowd. If it makes you feel more 21st Century, feel free to use it to make kale smoothies. Willingness to pretend that you didn’t see our family spill out of our house arguing loudly about whose fault it is we’re late, slamming car doors, screeching out of driveway, then screeching back in again because someone forgot something and now we’re going to be even MORE late. Just…look away. Never mention it. A full bag of sugar and at least six eggs at all times. We repay in cookies.

Optional:

Frustrated dog non-owner. You could totally borrow ours for the occasional overnight. Or weekend. Or week. Vegetarian who cooks in large quantities. We already have a neighbor who is a master barbequer and brings us leftover ribs, and another who mixes up the strongest Gin and Tonics around. We just need some vegetables to round out the meal. A hankerin’ for yardwork – ours. You sit on the high side of the street and look directly down onto our yard; keeping it spruced up is really more for your benefit than ours, anyway.

Something you’ll fall in love with about Oakland right away: when it’s sweater weather in San Francisco, it’s still shorts weather in the 5-1-0.