Great Goblin Pranks III

Great Goblin Pranks III

Most goblin pranks target only a few people with pies throwers, covered pits filled with moldy cabbage and fraudulent lawsuits. But every so often a goblin comes up with a plan so bold, so stupid, so sure to offend that hundreds of goblins join in the fun. These pranks are thankfully rare, as even goblins know that such large scale mayhem brings swift retribution from the victims. But that didn’t stop the goblins from perpetrating Mohawk Day.

The goblins responsible for this outrage lived in Brandish, a large but poor kingdom. The goblins’ settlement was in a large network of warrens and tunnels in a canyon not far from the town of Bistle. The people of Bistle had been victims of goblin pranks for years, but the attacks had been minor up to that point. The men had real problems to deal with like bandits, monsters and the dreaded tax collectors, feared more than any fire breathing dragon. It was hard work to hide their earnings from the revenuers, especially given how much of the town’s wealth came from smuggling.

Yes, Bistle was a town in the good graces of thieves and gangsters. They came through on their way between cities, using Bistle as a convenient hideout and storage area for their goods. Weapons were a favorite, but there were also spices, precious metals and stolen goods. The people worked hard to conceal their wealth, judging that it was easier to hide valuables than defend them. Bistle was kept in a state of disrepair and the people’s clothing and possessions low quality so no one would suspect them. The plan worked so long as the town pretended to be on the verge of famine.

Then one fine spring day, the people of Bistle saw the local goblins walking on stilts. To be more accurate, the goblins were trying to walk on stilts. Mostly they were falling down. The townspeople laughed at the spectacle, more so because all the goblins were doing it. Hundreds and hundreds of goblins were staggering around on stilts, with not a single one walking. Some goblins had conventional stilts while others had wood posts strapped to their arms and legs. The goblins bumbled around for hours, and to the people’ surprise the show didn’t end at dusk. Goblins practiced stilt walking the next day, and the next, and the week after that and then the following month.

No one asked what the goblins were doing or why, as the people had more important concerns. There were knights in the region hunting bandits, and Bistle’s residents worried that they might accidentally be caught in the same hunt. So they kept a low profile, working their fields and pretending to be peasants living just shy of starvation. They worried a bit that the goblins might draw attention, but if that happened the knights would attack the goblins and not the people.

Then one moonless night, when all the people of Bistle were asleep after a rich meal paid for by their crimes, the goblins snuck into town. They ignored the smuggled goods hidden away in cellars and attics, for they had other plans. The goblins brought barber shears, and in the hours before dawn gave every man, woman and child in Bistle a Mohawk haircut.

Morning came and brought with it cries of rage from Bistle’s residents. They had been shamed! It would take months for their hair to grow back. The women were particularly outraged, for their longer hair would need years to recover. Even the dogs and cats had been shaved. Worse, Mohawks had gone out of style years ago!

If ever there was a reason to form an angry mob, this was it. All the people of Bistle grabbed axes, pitchforks, knives, indeed, everything that had an edge to it, and ran for the goblin settlement. They reached it in an hour, their anger unabated when they came to the canyon where they knew the goblins lived. Howling mad, they ran into the canyon and came to a grinding halt. They had to.

There was a reason why the goblins had been practicing with stilts for so long. The people had assumed it was some new stupidity on the goblins’ part. But they were wrong. The goblins had sown thistles, nettles, poison ivy, poison oak, briars, wild roses and worse in the canyon. These plants grew together into a foul mass of thorns and poison sure to leave anyone touching it in misery. This didn’t bother the goblins at all, because walking on stilts meant they were high above the botanical nightmare.

A few people were mad enough to try cutting a path through the tangled web of noxious plants, but they inevitably gave up after suffering rashes. They went home, itchy and ashamed and with horrible hair. They came back to Bistle to find a company of knights exploring their town. The knights had found Bistle empty, which warranted an investigation. The knights turned the town upside down and discovered stashes of swords and battleaxes, enough to arm a hundred men. When the knights saw the returning townspeople and their Mohawks, it looked like Bistle’s residents were bandits. The knights arrested them and confiscated their weapons stockpile.

As for the goblins near Bistle, they’re still walking on stilts. It keeps them safe from most enemies who come to their settlement. Travelers in the region report to this day that spending the night near the abandoned town is a mistake that will cost you your hair.