The 3 Things I Held to When My First 2 Publishers Folded: Perseverance, Resurrection, and Most of All, Hope.
by Beth Fehlbaum
Sometimes publishing houses falter, leaving their authors rudderless and wondering what will come of their babies: their books. I daresay, this is how authors feel when this happens:
Recently, there was news aboutEgmont USA being for sale, and I can empathize with how its authors must feel, having been through the experience of my first two publishers closing their respective doors. I hope a company picks up the Egmont USA authors’ books and they are able to keep going as they were, with nary a bump in the road.
Unfortunately, that’s not how it has been for the novels closest to my heart: Courage in Patience and Hope in Patience.
My first book, Courage in Patience, was “birthed” in 2008, only to be orphaned in 2009, and my second book, Hope in Patience (WestSide, 2010), in spite of being a 2011 YALSA Quick Pick for Reluctant Readers, found itself without a home within a year of being published.
It's enough to make a person say. . .
This word: Resurrection: it’s been rolling around in my mind as I contemplated writing a post in recognition of a life-altering milestone. The perseverance it requires to steady on as an author is in plentiful supply for me because of the life I've led.
In just about a month, it’ll be the tenth anniversary of the day I went on a journey to recovery from childhood sexual abuse, and when I came out of it six years later, I was a totally different person.
I could claim that I was inspired to get well because I the sky opened up and guardian angels sang,
The actual first step to recovery was much less dramatic: I had a mental meltdown. I broke at the age of 38, because I couldn’t play ‘Let’s Pretend’ anymore, as in, “Let’s pretend that I wasn’t sexually abused throughout my childhood while my mom pretended everything is fine, because if I keep doing that, I’ll still have a mom and I’ll be okay and… and…” . . . and I wasn’t okay. At all.. and my husband and kids and, oh, yeah, I, too, was paying a heavy price for it.
November 4, 2004, I took a psychologist up on his offer to help me recover from a traumatic childhood of sexual abuse perpetrated on me by my stepfather, and deliberate indifference to it from my mom. I was left with several disorders that I had to learn to manage, including PTSD, an eating disorder, OCD, and an Anxiety Disorder.
Even though I was an adult when I finally cracked, the eight-year-old girl who was initially felt up by her stepfather and eventually raped as a teen was still inside of me, and I was scared of the world, hiding, and trying just about everything to keep myself together. (Before your imagination runs away with you as to what I did to cope, I will tell you that my drug of choice is food. That’s where the idea for Big Fat Disaster came from.)
At age 38, when, guided by my therapist, I chose to stop lying to myself and dared acknowledge what had gone on in my childhood home, it turned my world upside down. Darkness descended and stayed for quite a long time. Going through what I did to recover/survive when my mom turned her back on me yet again (I had made an outcry at age 14 that fell on deaf ears) made me find out what I’m made of. I had to deliberately choose life instead of the myriad of other options zooming through my mind for the better part of a year, and I hung on to what I knew was real: the love of my husband and kids, and the unwavering tough love of my therapist, until I could stand on my own and know my worth and loveability (is that even a word? I guess now it is!) It took six years to become a whole person.
I'm a testament to the power of love and a kick-ass support system. Nowadays, I'm mostly like this:
I would never say that I am glad that I experienced the losses I did from a young age and as an adult, but had I not had the experience of having to come back from the suicidal fantasies and the rawest emotional pain I’ve ever experienced, I’m know I wouldn’t be the person I am today, whose most basic credo is “Never Give Up.” It’s something that serves me well as a person in general but it’s especially handy as an author, given that my first two publishers went out of business, and my books have been homeless ever since. I choose to keep going, always. It’s a non-negotiable.
If you want to read more about my journey to recovery and the periodic reflections I’ve written, check out my blog. Here’s a link to a couple of posts.
You can read those blog posts to see what it was like for me to go through recovery, or check out the books I wrote while still in therapy and healed immensely by processing it through someone else’s life: Courage in Patience (First Edition, Kunati, 2008) and Hope in Patience (WestSide, 2010), and I’d love for you to read Truth in Patience (Book 3), but the only part available publicly is Chapter 1, here.
You can read the first chapters of Courage in Patience (Book 1) and Hope in Patience (Book 2), by clicking on the book covers, below:
Using what I learned by writing/revising/editing three more books after Courage in Patience, I revised it, cutting 40 pages and 10,000 words, wondering all the while how on Earth it ever got published in the first place, given the wordiness in its first incarnation.(I think most authors feel that way about their first books.)
The Patience Trilogy is complete. In the third book, Truth in Patience,I gave Ashley a gift that I have never gotten: a resolution in her relationship with her mom.
After I finished it, I knew I was ready to move on, and I wrote Big Fat Disaster (F+W Media/Merit Press, 2014). I’m thrilled to say that it’s doing very well, including a Starred Kirkus Review. I’m in the beginning stages of my fifth novel, and I intend to continue writing gritty YA novels that tell the truth. I’ve had the rights back to Courage in Patience and Hope in Patience for some time now, and, given the success that Big Fat Disaster has found and the fact that many, many people seek out my other books after they read it, I am very hopeful that this tenth anniversary of my entry into recovery will also find resurrection for Courage in Patience and Hope in Patience, and the debut of Truth in Patience.
For information on The Patience Trilogy, please contact my awesome(!) agent, Gina Panettieri: gpanettieri@talcottnotch.net
Sometimes publishing houses falter, leaving their authors rudderless and wondering what will come of their babies: their books. I daresay, this is how authors feel when this happens:
Recently, there was news aboutEgmont USA being for sale, and I can empathize with how its authors must feel, having been through the experience of my first two publishers closing their respective doors. I hope a company picks up the Egmont USA authors’ books and they are able to keep going as they were, with nary a bump in the road.
Unfortunately, that’s not how it has been for the novels closest to my heart: Courage in Patience and Hope in Patience.
My first book, Courage in Patience, was “birthed” in 2008, only to be orphaned in 2009, and my second book, Hope in Patience (WestSide, 2010), in spite of being a 2011 YALSA Quick Pick for Reluctant Readers, found itself without a home within a year of being published.
It's enough to make a person say. . .
This word: Resurrection: it’s been rolling around in my mind as I contemplated writing a post in recognition of a life-altering milestone. The perseverance it requires to steady on as an author is in plentiful supply for me because of the life I've led.
In just about a month, it’ll be the tenth anniversary of the day I went on a journey to recovery from childhood sexual abuse, and when I came out of it six years later, I was a totally different person.
I could claim that I was inspired to get well because I the sky opened up and guardian angels sang,
The actual first step to recovery was much less dramatic: I had a mental meltdown. I broke at the age of 38, because I couldn’t play ‘Let’s Pretend’ anymore, as in, “Let’s pretend that I wasn’t sexually abused throughout my childhood while my mom pretended everything is fine, because if I keep doing that, I’ll still have a mom and I’ll be okay and… and…” . . . and I wasn’t okay. At all.. and my husband and kids and, oh, yeah, I, too, was paying a heavy price for it.November 4, 2004, I took a psychologist up on his offer to help me recover from a traumatic childhood of sexual abuse perpetrated on me by my stepfather, and deliberate indifference to it from my mom. I was left with several disorders that I had to learn to manage, including PTSD, an eating disorder, OCD, and an Anxiety Disorder.
Even though I was an adult when I finally cracked, the eight-year-old girl who was initially felt up by her stepfather and eventually raped as a teen was still inside of me, and I was scared of the world, hiding, and trying just about everything to keep myself together. (Before your imagination runs away with you as to what I did to cope, I will tell you that my drug of choice is food. That’s where the idea for Big Fat Disaster came from.)
At age 38, when, guided by my therapist, I chose to stop lying to myself and dared acknowledge what had gone on in my childhood home, it turned my world upside down. Darkness descended and stayed for quite a long time. Going through what I did to recover/survive when my mom turned her back on me yet again (I had made an outcry at age 14 that fell on deaf ears) made me find out what I’m made of. I had to deliberately choose life instead of the myriad of other options zooming through my mind for the better part of a year, and I hung on to what I knew was real: the love of my husband and kids, and the unwavering tough love of my therapist, until I could stand on my own and know my worth and loveability (is that even a word? I guess now it is!) It took six years to become a whole person.
I'm a testament to the power of love and a kick-ass support system. Nowadays, I'm mostly like this:
I would never say that I am glad that I experienced the losses I did from a young age and as an adult, but had I not had the experience of having to come back from the suicidal fantasies and the rawest emotional pain I’ve ever experienced, I’m know I wouldn’t be the person I am today, whose most basic credo is “Never Give Up.” It’s something that serves me well as a person in general but it’s especially handy as an author, given that my first two publishers went out of business, and my books have been homeless ever since. I choose to keep going, always. It’s a non-negotiable.
If you want to read more about my journey to recovery and the periodic reflections I’ve written, check out my blog. Here’s a link to a couple of posts.
You can read those blog posts to see what it was like for me to go through recovery, or check out the books I wrote while still in therapy and healed immensely by processing it through someone else’s life: Courage in Patience (First Edition, Kunati, 2008) and Hope in Patience (WestSide, 2010), and I’d love for you to read Truth in Patience (Book 3), but the only part available publicly is Chapter 1, here.
You can read the first chapters of Courage in Patience (Book 1) and Hope in Patience (Book 2), by clicking on the book covers, below:
Using what I learned by writing/revising/editing three more books after Courage in Patience, I revised it, cutting 40 pages and 10,000 words, wondering all the while how on Earth it ever got published in the first place, given the wordiness in its first incarnation.(I think most authors feel that way about their first books.)The Patience Trilogy is complete. In the third book, Truth in Patience,I gave Ashley a gift that I have never gotten: a resolution in her relationship with her mom.
After I finished it, I knew I was ready to move on, and I wrote Big Fat Disaster (F+W Media/Merit Press, 2014). I’m thrilled to say that it’s doing very well, including a Starred Kirkus Review. I’m in the beginning stages of my fifth novel, and I intend to continue writing gritty YA novels that tell the truth. I’ve had the rights back to Courage in Patience and Hope in Patience for some time now, and, given the success that Big Fat Disaster has found and the fact that many, many people seek out my other books after they read it, I am very hopeful that this tenth anniversary of my entry into recovery will also find resurrection for Courage in Patience and Hope in Patience, and the debut of Truth in Patience.
For information on The Patience Trilogy, please contact my awesome(!) agent, Gina Panettieri: gpanettieri@talcottnotch.net
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