Thoughts You Might Have After Becoming Single

Photo credit: Alex Stoddard In order from right after the break-up until now, this weekend in October, as I sit at HOME watching How I Met Your Mother re-runs and contemplating ways this could be any more depressing.

RIGHT AFTER A TWO-YEAR RELATIONSHIP ENDED:
-I can't do anything except eat strawberry shortcake for dinner and watch The Devil Wears Prada (This really happened...no it didn't. Yes it did).
-Who is going to help me fix things around the house now? 
-I guess I don't have to cook for someone anymore.
-Grocery shopping is overrated.
-Shaving is also overrated.
-Self-tanner is NOT overrated once I get back into the "field" (I'm pale as an albino who's lived in a darkened cave for all eternity. I'm...basically Gollum. Or something).
-I'm so glad Culver's custard place closed down the street from my house. Or I'd be there every ... week. Not every day, no no no, I have a little thing called self-control.
-I guess I don't "technically" need birth control anymore...or do I? Ugh, I'm once again embarking into the land of strange penises...

TWO MONTHS LATER:
-Single life is fucking awesome. I don't have to clean beard clippings from the sink anymore, I can go out to bars with my gals, and no more stinky man-farts surprising me from under the bedcovers!
-I love having the whole bed to myself. How did I ever get any SLEEP sharing it with someone?
-What's this "Tinder" business?
-Guys on Tinder are ridiculous. And entertaining. I'm gonna go on a date with one!
-That was...not my best idea. But it's okay, because I love myself and I'm an author!
-Guys at bars are still...just like guys at bars. Except that I'm two and a half years older now, so they REALLLLLLLY seem like a bunch of egotistical assholes now.
-I'm so glad I don't have kids. Or a husband. But my nephews are pretty damn cute. And it'd be nice to have someone to cook for and share my bed with.

NOW:
-Am I going to be alone forever?
-Am I going to be one of those ladies, those CAT LADIES, who dies and isn't discovered for three weeks?!
-Ted Mosby from HIMYM is really annoying and whiny. And he has weird, spiky hair.
-Oh my God. I'm going to be like Ted Mosby. Forever alone.
-I really wish that Culver's was still open down the street.
-Friday nights as a single, 25-year-old girl, SUCK. Too old to make bad decisions, too young to give up completely.
-Guess I'll just re-read Twilight tonight. Because that's healthy.

Hope I brought a smile to your face; singlehood is full of wonderful emotional surprises. I've got a date with Edward Cullen now.
Until next time ... kiss and cherish your loved ones. It's nice to have someone to share your bed with, even if they take up most of the mattress and fart in their sleep.

Keep writing and keep dreaming! I will be...
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