31 Ways to Mess Up Your Marriage – #26 – Harshness

31 Ways to Mess Up Your Marriage
#26 Harshness

I’ve never seen this subject addressed as such in marriage books or at marriage conferences. It is a subject covered under anger most of the time, I suppose. But this is something that slips in under the cover of familiarity in the marriage and probably does far more damage than we can imagine. I’m talking about harshness in attitude, in words, in discipline, in everyday situations.

As I discussed in the previous blog, sometimes we get so accustomed to being around each other we forget to treat our spouse with the same courtesy we afford to strangers on the street. Early in our marriage my husband had a pretty short temper fuse, whether it was yelling at his favorite football team or at a driver who didn’t execute as quickly as he thought they should. Or whether it was when the pancakes I served for breakfast were not hot enough for him. He’s generally a very happy, laid-back type of guy, but then this volcano would erupt out of nowhere. When I’d ask why he was mad, he would respond with “I’m not mad!” But he was exhibiting a harshness, which said to everyone around that he was angry. I’m happy to say he has allowed the Lord to smooth down those rough edges, and that short fuse is not there any longer. I suppose perhaps harshness many times is the symptom of underlying anger. However, what I am talking about here is when we get in the habit of addressing our mates and family with a curt word or a critical attitude rather than with a soft answer and edifying remark. That kind of daily treatment causes our mate to either withdraw or to become defensive. Neither behavior is conducive to a healthy marriage. “A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:2). (Tweet this!)

A young woman sat in my office and told me that after 17 years of a verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive marriage, it was the harsh verbal abuse on a daily basis that finally broke her. (Tweet this!) All of the drinking, drug abuse and affairs with other women were hurtful, but the harshness of the verbal abuse caused her finally to leave her marriage. Scripture is clear as to how we are to treat one another. I love how Eph. 4:31-32 reads in the Amplified: Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper) and resentment (anger, animosity) and quarreling (brawling, clamor, contention) and slander (evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language) be banished from you, with all malice (spite, ill will, or baseness of any kind). And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another (readily and freely) as God in Christ forgave you. It’s a tall order, but with the energizing power of the Holy Spirit let’s love one another well.

Would you be willing to ask your spouse if there is any area where they feel you are being overly harsh with your family? With the children? With him or her?
If there is, determine to ask their forgiveness.
Do you find it difficult not to talk harshly to your spouse?
What ways have you found to calm yourself down when you start feeling angry?

 

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