I’m cold and there are wolves out here…

More and more I don’t want to leave my study. It’s not just that I don’t want to stop working, it’s that I don’t want to do anything else. I know it seems like I’m splitting hairs but…

When I think about doing something that isn’t sitting at my desk, I get a cold hard feeling in my gut. I mean watching a movie with my wife, sure fine but going out and about–not so much. Things that are different, and take me outside my home and away from my desk, even for an hour, well I get uncomfortable. My mind retreats from the thought, the concept, and the actualization. The cold hard feeling starts being a heavy rock in a washing washing on full power.

This is my routine – the sitting at my desk working. This is what I am comfortable with and the more we draw near winter the worse this is going to get. I’m cycling up and this …tick, is only going to get worse as it does.

I know it is mental, a reaction to something that is manifesting as this. It isn’t agoraphobia (had that before a few times …though luckily never for long — the brain is a weird thing) but it does share similarities.

This, if I’m honest, has been going on for a number of months now. It’s why nothing got done this summer. I’m tethered by irrational emotional response and mental breakdown. I don’t want my routine broken. I don’t want to do other things. I want to feel comfortable, relaxed, and calm. I want to stay withdrawn here in my little word.

Unfortunately life – no matter how hard you try to ignore it – pushes in and mauls you. I don’t think there is an answer. I just get to hope it doesn’t get too unreasonable as winter comes and I cycle up. I also hope that , unlike last winter, there is nothing to drag me away from this seat during that most hated season.

Filed under: Mental Health, MIscellaneous