Connecting the Unknown Self to the Self – by Bliss Lost
We have our known self and our unknown self. Life is a journey connecting the known self to our hidden unknown self. We can be shocked and horrified by whom we truly are. Being shocked and horrified is determined by the environment within which we were born and raised.
My first and last gay experience was when I was teenager with a boy the same age. It was oral sex after some skin on skin wrestling in his bedroom. A couple of years later, by chance, we happened to be staying at the same hotel. He informed me in his room that he wanted to ‘give it to me in the ass.’ It wasn’t for me and I said no. Now I know the reality of it was that I just wasn’t attracted to him.
For some years now I have been sharing my love and joy of anal sex with women. A lover I had some time ago introduced me to this in the most amazing way. It was so slow and sensual, she would lie on her side and I would gently push my gelled cock in as she pulled her leg slightly up. Every time we did it her pupils literally rolled in her head until all I could see was the whites of her eyes. I became lost in the pleasure we shared and, for a moment, glimpsed my unknown self.
My current lover also shares this joy with me. I am her first and I think I will be her last. She uses the most wonderful oil and sits on me when we meet to have our moments. She tastes her fingers as my cock goes in as if she is savouring the moment. But her greatest gift has been her acceptance of me from the start; compared to all of my lovers, I have been the most honest with her. Having her in my life has coincided with the point on my journey where I have accepted my unknown self.
Accepting My Unknown Self
My desire now is for him; there are only so many times you can finger yourself in the shower and realise you want more. Madonna phrased it so well when she said in that wonderful song “What it feels like for a Girl”. Yes I have taken the vibrator and the beads, but now I have discovered my unknown self and I accept that part of me that I have learned to love. Even if he must remain hidden from the world that knows me as I must present myself.
When I find the one, this man I will share my desire with, I will take him in all of me in every way, as he will me. It didn’t happen 22 years ago because I simply wasn’t attracted to my boyhood experience, not because I wasn’t bi-sexual, as I now know I am, but because he simply didn’t do it for me.
As I step off the known path of self-assuredness where I am versed at the seduction of my gorgeous women, to my search for him, I find that I am nervous. Trust is such an important thing and I am like a teenage girl wondering with whom I will lose my virginity. Will he just fuck me, or treat me as well as those wonderful women who I have seduced?
We should never go through life not knowing our unknown self; wondering is fine if you can do it and not feel your soul cry out. With so much hurt and hate in the world, is it such a crime to find joy and pleasure in loving and appreciating all that we as humans have to offer?
Bliss Lost is a writer. This is his first blog.
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