How to date like an American

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Admittedly this post is half gleaned from American TV shows and half from American friends’ experiences since I did have an American boyfriend once but he was about as Anglo as he could have got without renouncing his passport.

The How of this is deceptively simple as it requires that elusive element – balls. The finding or refinding of these is crucial, ultimately pleasurable and ideally done before working through the Rules. However, with the confidence of someone who’s never going to have to act on their own advice, I reckon following the rules anyway might lead to their spontaneous (re) generation.

Rule Number One

Ask girls out. Any of them, hell all of them. Supersize your attempts. Think USA – excessive amounts of anything is the surefire route to success. Don’t let rejections wear you down. They’re not rejecting you, how can they? They don’t even know you. They’re rejecting the idea of you and that’s a concept that might bear absolutely no relation to the kind of guy you and your therapist know you are.

Rule Number Two

Pay for everything on your date. Going Dutch was a term used by the English under Charles II to deride the stingy and trade route quibbling Netherlanders. It’s not something to show how modern, forward thinking and feminist minded you are.

American girls see being taken out as opposed to gone out with as their Constitutional right and even American men get sniffy when they hear a guy has let down the side by not fronting up the cash for dinner. If you don’t believe me, check out the stats on this Forbes magazine survey. Olivia’s quote sums up American women’s feeling of entitlement perfectly:

I don’t like it when men don’t even offer to pay at the beginning of dating. I don’t expect it, but the gesture is appreciated. [.....]a few years ago, I met a guy who asked me out for dinner, and when the bill came, he just pulled out his half of the bill. Major turnoff. When the guy does grab that check, I’ll insist we split it, but that chivalrous act still counts for something.

Even when they “don’t expect it” they expect it.

Rule Number Three

So far, it’s looking like a lot of hard, expensive work but you’re just about to get the pay off.

Date multiple people at the same time. The other side are probably doing the same thing and you can carry on seeing as many people as there are days in the week or cash in your wallet as long as you don’t have the Official Exclusivity Talk.

Although this is more labour intensive than going straight to unspoken relationship status on date two like the English do, it’s a lot more fun. Plus you’ll be so busy you won’t mind when a couple of them meet someone else/get back with an ex/don’t return your call. No hard feelings = no toxicity dumped into the dating pool.

Rule Number Four

Write a self help book about dating and how to have successful relationships, sell millions, get divorced, then write a self help book about finding love again.

 

 

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