Starting Over: A Writing Opportunity

Okay, so this blog is about writing and anxiety, so I’m going to open up about the thing in my writing that gives me the most anxiety.

(Okay, I’m lying. There’s too many things that give me anxiety. But here’s one!)

I’ve been writing since 2005. I’ve written 10 novels in that time and am working on 11 and 12 right now. One of them got me an agent. That agent sold that book to an imprint at Penguin. Then my life crashed and burned, then my editor had a baby, and two years later we were still revising and both burnt out and wanting to move on. So Penguin pulled the book. In the meantime I found out some things about my agent that led me to part ways with her and found a new one.

I didn’t write for a year.

And now I feel like, in one way, I am lucky that things worked out the way they have. Because I get something few writers do: a second chance to start over. But it’s terrifying. I feel more pressure not to mess up this time, along with the lingering ghost of “what’s wrong with you that you lost your contract? people who got their book deals with you already have several books out and more on the way. What are you doing wrong? You must not be talented at all.”

There’s also the sense with starting over that you have backtracked a long way. Where before I felt like I was on top of my game–I had a hardcover book deal with a major publisher!–now I feel like I have nothing to show for all the work I’ve done.

So it makes me incredibly anxious, even as I recognize the opportunity. I’m doing everything I can not to waste it. I’m being much more intentional about my writing. I’m not just writing whatever idea strikes me; I’m thinking about how that fits with what else I write and what it could mean for my career to spend time working on this project. I focus primarily in speculative fiction, although different variants of it, for both teens and adults. I also have a STRONG historical fiction interest and am considering a penname for that work.

I’m allowing myself to try redoing my entire process. I started used Scrivener and LOVE it. I’m practically unable to write without word wars. I got an agenda and stickers to track progress. (Or rather, Kate gifted me with one for my birthday last week; thank you, darling!)

I keep reminding myself that I’m not in competition with anyone. Not even my former self. Every book is different for every writer. One book could come easily and the next is like pulling teeth. Not everything we write will be gold every time, no matter how much we edit it. In life this past year I’ve really tried to learn the lesson that I am allowed to be wrong (you’d be surprised how many people do not give themselves permission to be wrong!) and I’m still figuring out how to apply that to my writing.

Looking at being able to start over as a gift is one of those ways. Like, my first book didn’t work out but it’s okay. The thing is, there is so much about writing and publishing that is out of our control that trying to account for or take responsibility for all of it is the fastest track to burn-out, depression, anxiety and, frankly, failure. Successful people, it seems, recognize what they can’t control and stop wasting their energy on directions that don’t go anywhere. This allows them to focus more energy on the things they can control and produce better results. (Like, say, learning their craft or improving their marketing techniques.)

So what recent “failure” can you turn around? What energy do you need to redirect today?

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