Talking Kink ‘n Seduction – Gaining a new dictionary

Gaining a new dictionary

Growling Guru & Baby Boy

 

I’ve learned a lot in the last decade in which I have been involved in the Lifestyle, much of which is that there exists an entire slew of words we use. Ordinary words, unique words, colloquialisms, vulgarities; living and knowing about the Lifestyle will give you a brand new dictionary you won’t always find in Webster’s or Oxford’s inscriptions.

 

 

 

To start, there are two categories of people who use BDSM, both equally important.

Players- People who ONLY use bdsm, in the bedroom or in the context of a scene.

Lifestylers- People who use bdsm outside of a scene or in everyday life. May or may not be 24/7.

 

In a scene1 there are two active parties. Tops and Bottoms.

Tops are the ones who physically inflict or carry out a scene.

Bottoms are the ones Tops inflict upon.

 

Then there’s the way we define ourselves. Doms and Subs.

Doms (Dommes-feminine) are people who take mental control of the entire scene, but they can be broken down into lots of categories:

Some are Sadistic, enjoying a more forceful rule of the scene, delivering harsh (often painful) punishments or (sometimes equally painful) rewards.
Some are Masochistic, where they enjoy having pain inflicted upon them. If they are in control of the means, quantity, and quality of pain they receive, they are still Doms.
Some are called Daddies/Mommies or Daddy/Mommy Doms. Typically paired with a sub called a Little, DDs/MDs can be sadistic or not, but are always (some may consider overly) nurturing, protective and indulgent of their subbie counterparts.

 

 

 

 

Subs are the people within a scene who give up mental and/or emotional control of a scene and can likewise we categorized many ways.

Sadistic subs are a bit of a rare breed, but are complementary to Masochistic Doms. They enjoy inflicting pain but would rather not control the scene.
Masochistic subs are much more common and are the stereotypically depicted submissives.
Littles (boy or girl) can be masochistic or not. These are the subs who enjoy things many would consider childish (i.e., cartoons, coloring books, stuffed animals, etc.)
Pets may or may not be into humiliation play2, but typically enjoy being refered to or characterized as a type of animal. Kittens and Puppies are most common, though I have met some Alpha Subs who preferred predatory species.
Alpha Subs are submissives that are willing to perform acts on other subs AS DELEGATED by their Dom. (This is where things start getting tricky but trust me, Poly-groups are some of the most fun people I’ve met.) Alpha Subs tend to enjoy the feeling of “extra-ness” by being able to complete their tasks and help their Dom.
Omegas are the last type of sub I will discuss, and are the supplement to the Alpha Sub. These are the ones who prefer to be the low person on the totem pole, so to speak. (Most Omegas I know have been into Humiliation play, but there are no absolutes in our world.)

In another category altogether you have Switches who are really quite hard to define and so are lumped into one umbrella-term. Switches are people who are willing to perform either (or both, in a group) as Dom or Sub to varying degrees.  Switches can be Sadistic, Masochistic or neither.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another term you will hear thrown around sometimes is Alpha. (This is not to be confused with Alpha Subs.) Alphas are people who may or may not consciously live the lifestyle, but are generally known to be in control. IF they are in the Lifestyle, they usually are Doms. Alpha Doms may or may not be willing to work a scene with other Doms, but are not truly satisfied unless they are the ones truly in charge of the scene. (My experience with Alphas is that they tend to micromanage, very Type-A personality, some are downright assholes but we love them sometimes in spite of, but usually because of it all.)

 

  

 

 

And Lastly, I have saved the most important words of all, Limits and Safewords.

 

Limits are something that you and your partner must sit and discuss before ANY kind of foray into this word should occur. They are an outline of what you each will and will NOT be consenting to during the course of the scene or relationship. Limits are a fluid thing that can and will change as you grow, learn and experience but they should be considered an ongoing discussion between you and your partner. Do not allow your partner to bully you past your limits, but DO allow yourself to explore as far as your comfortable and talk to your partner about why they push that limit.
Safewords are special words that you and your partner agree will be used to stop or slow a scene, should you be too close to your limits. Many have UNIQUE safewords, like “Butterfly,” to be used because of some personally special reason. There are also UNIVERSAL safewords that many clubs (and people) use.

Green (or Blue)- is the universal word that means “Yes, everything is fine to continue as agreed upon.”
Yellow (or Orange) – is the universal word to slow a scene or change course. At this point responsible partners should communicate about WHY a safeword was called, and the Dom(me) will decide whether to slow or change the scene as needed.
RED – Means stop.

No matter what safeword is given, partners should listen and respect the decision as responsible adults. There is no shame in safewording. If you are afraid to safeword, you should reevaluate your mentality and your relationship to see where the problem lies. Likewise, you should not use a safeword as a “get out of jail free” card. All aftercare, and punishments that have been agreed upon should then be given.

 

Why do we use safewords? Why can’t we say No or Stop? For safety. Quite simply, the three most common detrimental words are No, Don’t, and Stop. Whether in pain or pleasure, “No… Don’t…. Stop” is panted just the same and nothing spoils a great orgasm than your partner backing off because YOU ACCIDENTALLY TOLD THEM TO!

 

 

Now, this is only scratching the surface because there are so many labels we all use to define ourselves. The biggest thing to remember is that ONE person’s definition may not be identical to yours, so please take the time to get to know someone before making any kind of committing decision.

 

1 Scene- Any isolated situation in which bdsm is used.

2 Humilation play – Scenes that focus on deriding or otherwise shaming the bottom, sometimes publically.

 

Thanks again for reading! Any questions or comments, leave in the comments section below.