SELF-PUBLISHING ADVICE: THE TOUGH LOVE EDITION Part 1

Part 1: Write a Good Book

This is the first in a series of posts discussing self-publishing advice. I’ve given it to many people. Unfortunately many of those didn’t get it.

The first piece of advice I (and almost everybody else) give aspiring writers is “Write A Good Book.” A good book is the single most important part of selling books.

 

Write a Good Book

Almost all authors sweat the quality of their book. They panic over story. They deliberate the placement of a single word. They kill pieces of themselves in the editing process and then sheepishly hand the book to the world with 100% uncertainty that it’s any good.

That’s usually the sign of a good book.

But not all authors do this. No, there are others that are more concerned about being authors than writing books. There are some that are more worried about sales than story.

I’m not sure why. Maybe the dream of striking gold in the mines of Kindle still burns for some. Maybe others figure people that reads books is dumbs and will buy anything. Maybe some think that a book is nothing more words on a page and gave little thought to placing them in any discernible order. Maybe they haven’t reach much. Maybe they can’t read at all.

The only common thread I see is an insistence that the work is amazing. And they believe this for one reason—the work has been rejected by a publisher. They see this as a sure sign that their book is gold and unappreciated. While it’s true that publishers have passed on fantastic books in the past, they are really good at spotting terrible books as well.

You have to be objective

It is crucial that you be objective about your book. There is a market for any material on any topic in any genre. But, it has to be well written. It has to be interesting. You have to divorce yourself from the passion you felt writing the material long enough to be honest with yourself. Is it the best work you can do? Is that good enough?

Many of these authors find me and ask me why I think there book isn’t selling. They want to know if I can help. I really am a nice person so, I’ll read the book blurb and get an idea of the book and it’s contents. I’ll explain the impression that I get and remind them that it is every browser’s introduction to the work. The description and sample should give everyone an idea of what’s inside the book. I suggest that maybe they want look long and hard to make sure it’s giving the right impression.

They tell me they did that.

They start to get defensive.

They demand to know why their book isn’t selling and what I can do to help.

For free, of course.

And, I never respond fast enough for them.

I want to help. I really do. But it seems that there are people out there that, although they are writers, can’t read between the lines. So, out of love, and partly because I’m tired of getting the attitude, I think they need to hear this:

 

Dear Indignant Prick,

I can indeed tell you why no one is buying your book. Because, it fucking sucks, that’s why. Please pardon my harsh language but your book is so fucking bad that only the words “fucking” and  “sucks” can described it.

I’m not sure if your normal method of communicating is banging rocks together and making fart noises with your armpit, but your basic understanding of language and human interaction is apparently lacking.

I had to go get a fucking Advil in the middle of your description’s first sentence. And, it is only because I am so kind and giving that I risked reading the other half of it. I could have died.  Your arrangement of words could potentially induce a stroke.

If this in any indication of what your book is like than I am amazed that you were able to write it and retain basic motor function. It’s painfully obvious to me that you didn’t use the services of an editor because I would have read about their horrific head-exploding death on the internet. If words were truly weapons your book would be the weaponized version of ebola.

Furthermore, after breaking out an assortment of cipher tools and running one of the passages through a Cray supercomputer, I was able to deduce the plot of your book—it’s been done. And, then it was done again. And again. Then they made a movie about it. Then they rebooted the franchise. You probably own the bed sheets. They’re working on the TV series right now.

Your book is either a straight rip off or a derivative of a cliché. You know what derivative means? It means you’re fucking lazy. People don’t want lazy. They want well-told stories that aren’t going to induce a damn migraine every time the see two of the words you’ve written next to each other.

So, can I get people to buy your book? No. I can get a hundred people a day to your page but they’d all hate me for sending them there. Because when they read that first sentence—and they get that migraine—they can tell you didn’t try. They can tell you didn’t care to try. You didn’t even try to trick them into thinking you tried. Why would they ever read a book like that?

There’s a saying that goes: the worst thing you can do for a bad product is good advertising. They wrote that saying about your book. And they wrote it years ago because they knew one day your were going to write that shitty book and they wanted to arm me with some wisdom to give you.

In closing, my advice to you is to Write a Good Book. Because the one you wrote fucking sucks.

Hugs and Kisses,

ben

 

I like to help. I really do. But if you’re not going to be honest with yourself, I’m gong to be honest with yourself for you.

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I’ve written a story that explores what would happen to our pets in the event humans were wiped off the Earth. It’s a comedy. Think Milo & Otis meets The Stand. You’ll get the story for free when it’s released if you’re signed up for my newsletter.

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