Escaping from “Screen Love”

I guess I’m old fashioned. I often get asked for advice for couples who are in relationships with people they have never met. They met online. They talk on the phone. They text. They Skype. They message. Some even write letters, but they’ve never actually met face-to-face. This is where the “old fashioned” part of me comes into play. See, I don’t call this a full relationship just yet. It used to be that meeting someone online was pathetic (at least, much of society looked at it that way). Now, it’s considered fine to have met someone on a dating site or through a forum. And, it makes sense to me that before meeting, it’s a good idea to connect with this person to learn more about them, if they are someone you might be interested in, if they share likes and interests with you. So, a few phone calls, video chat and emails are a good bet.

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And, of course there are those instances when the person you met online is too far away to meet right away. So, instead of throwing the baby out with the bath water, you stay connected online, with the intention to finally meet person-to-person in the future. So, what I’m getting at is that I see this virtual relationship, as just a stepping stone to a “real” relationship (y’know, where you can actually be in the same room and all).

But, some people are content with these virtual relationships. I even have a client who plans to marry his girlfriend (who he’s never actually met), and keep their marriage virtual, meaning, they will never actually meet. This bugs me. Why? Because I’m old-fashioned. To me a relationship needs to be personal, face-to-face. You need to be able to take in all of your partner. You should be able to touch and hug, and kiss and hold hands. 

But, am I being just old-fashioned? I mean, why do couples need to be with one another face-to-face ever if that fulfills their needs? Who am I to say that a virtual relationship is not valid? It’s hard to spit out, but I have come to the conclusion that if both parties in a virtual relationship are okay never meeting and this “screen love” satisfies, why should I knock it? I do know for a fact though, that a relationship where both parties can experience each other fully, is far deeper than a virtual relationship, but that shouldn’t mean that screen love isn’t without value. I mean do we negate all vanilla ice cream lovers just because there are banana splits and ice cream sundaes available?

If you are okay with just staying connected onscreen, then, so be it. But, if would really like to connect and have a conventional relationship, don’t hide behind the screen. You have to get out there and meet at some point. There’s a new program called Love Prison, that does just that. The show takes two people who have been in a virtual relationship and who want to make it more conventional. They put them in a house on an island, take away all devices and outside communication. They force them to live with each other in the home for 23-hours a day (one hour of yard time a day) for a week and video them via remote cameras so as to avoid camera people and producers messing with this social experiment.

I watched the first episode this week and found it very interesting. We learn that it’s much easier to create the personae you want someone to believe you to be when you never really meet. And, if you are okay loving a “character” versus a three-dimensional human being, then by all means never meet. Sometimes that makes life easier (living the fantasy). But, if you want to know your partner, all of your partner, the good and the bad, the idiosyncrasies and the foibles, then by all means, meet. And, if you need a little push, apply for Love Prison.