Red Light Rednecks and Other Reckless Road Rats
Hmmm, when did a license to drive become a license to be an idiot?
I have come to realize that people show through true colours when driving. Something about getting behind the wheel of a car unleashes their worst traits. I have identified several distinct species of drivers based on their road behaviours.
Intersection Interlopers: This species shows up at major intersections during rush hour when the traffic is backed up. They creep insidiously ahead into the intersection and end up blocking it when the light turns. The interval between green lights is an unbearable eternity to them.
Red Light Rednecks: I am not pointing the finger at those who make a questionable judgment call when the stoplight turns to caution. I am referring to the rednecks who see the light turn red long before they reach the intersection and blast through anyway. Newsflash: You may not value your life but the rest of us do. Your car is equipped with brakes for a reason!
Toxic Fumigators: This species drive vehicles that are 10 years of age or older and have not been tuned up since Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt. Their vehicles spew a toxic cloud of blue smoke out the tailpipe that under the right circumstances could be weaponized.
Wheel Burner U-Turners: A relatively new species that is rapidly reproducing. They lurk in the left turn lane at major intersections of divided roads. The moment the traffic light turns they dart out and make a wheel squealing U-turn. Most of us plan our routes in advance so we get to where we are going by legal means. But such foresight is apparently beyond these simpletons.
Nascar Wannabe Lane Leapers: A well established and annoying species who believe that speed limits do not apply to them. They speed recklessly down urban roads leaping from one lane to another at thirty second intervals. Driving is a wild thrill ride for these Nascar wannabes who are fatal accidents waiting to happen.
18 Wheeler Highway Hogs: This megalithic species frequents major 400 series highways. They pull up behind another vehicle traveling the speed limit and begin flashing their headlights which translates to: “Get out of my way.” Newsflash: You do not own the road just because you are driving an 80,000 pound vehicle!
Hothead Honkers: Life is too short to lose even a fraction of a second for this hyperactive species. Hesitate even for a moment at a stop sign or at a traffic light and they will blast you with their car horn. They have the patience of a five year old and one hand welded to the horn.
Some infamous cars have become metaphors. The Edsel: a metaphor for commercial marketing failure. The Pinto: a metaphor for cover-ups and scandal. The DeLorean: a metaphor for impractical dreams. The seven infamous species in this post: a metaphor for the fringe factor in the human species that drives the rest of us, literally and figuratively, to distraction.
Anybody have a good used helicopter for sale?
~ Michael Robert Dyet is the author of “Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel” – double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s website at www.mdyetmetaphor.com or the novel online companion at www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog .
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