11 Questions for Totally Tyler
Frequently I avoid writing by interviewing another author with questions I stole from The AV Club, The Actor’s Studio, and my old blog. I call it 11 Questions and if you have suggestions for who I interview next, shoot me an email.
Totally Tyler is a legend in his own mind who aspires to be a legend in yours. After his birth in 1973 to a vending machine filler-upper and a grocery store cashier, he learned that he liked boys and disliked math. He didn’t learn these things immediately after his birth, mind you. He still likes boys and dislikes math. This is why he overtips. He spent his early years in small-town Indiana and his later years in big-city Georgia. Now, having run out of retail stores in which he hasn’t worked and boys on whom he hasn’t crushed in the South, he’s escaped to Manhattan, where he toils away as an event planner.
Boys, Booze & Booty Calls is his second book, and is a sequel of sorts to his first book, Your Boyfriend & Other Guys I’ve Kissed. He plans to write more books but until then, you can read more of his musings at TotallyTyler.com.
What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?
When I was a teenager, I mowed people’s yards for money and I hated it. I’d get hot and sweaty and grass and dirt would stick to my legs and I had to deal with bugs and nature. I tried to wear my walkman but the lawn mower was so loud that I couldn’t hear my Debbie Gibson cassette tapes. And then after I finished mowing the yard, my dad would check my work and nit-pick if I missed a spot or didn’t get close enough to a tree. And I only made a measly $5 per yard.
What did your parents want you to be?
Straight.
If you could have any famous person alive be your best friend, who would it be?
You already know the answer. Madonna. We’d work out together and gossip about guys because we both like them young. And I’d tell her to stop wearing those grills.
What is your favorite curse word?
It’s a tie. ‘Fuck’ as a verb and ‘cunty’ as an adjective.
How would your enemies describe you?
They would describe me as “a selfish slut who wears too much purple and is unwilling to travel to New Jersey.”
If a deli named a sandwich after you, what would it have on it?
I guess ham, bacon, swiss cheese and a healthy dollop of mayonnaise, toasted on whole wheat bread because I loathe those giant, tough buns delis use for sandwiches. Actually, this question made me miss our chats about food, Princess. Now I’m going to have to go eat some chicken cordon bleu balls.
[Interviewer's note: Yes, I too would like some bleu balls. Or some Long John's Silver. Or some Chiptole. Great. Now I'm hungry.]
What’s the worst living situation you ever had?
In Savannah, I lived with a couple of guys who used Q-Tips to “relieve” their cats when they were in heat. (The cats, not the guys.) And when I first moved to New York, I lived with a Jewish, lesbian lawyer who somehow managed to embody every stereotype for all of those things.
Who could you take in a fight?
Idris Elba. I mean, I would try to, anyway, preferably in a kiddie pool full of lube.
If you are ever arrested, what should we all assumed happened?
If you see me drinking a can of Red Bull in public, it’s safe to assume half of it is actually vodka. One time, I was walking down 8th Avenue in Hell’s Kitchen and a cop who had followed me for two blocks finally stopped me and asked what I was drinking. She—yes, it was a lady cop—snatched the can out of my hand and smelled it while eyeing me suspiciously but I had just finished the can and it was empty. So, I’m going to go with public intoxication. I know you wanted a more salacious answer but the age of consent in New York is 17 so leave me alone.
What book do you wish you had written?
I can’t be a smartass when I answer this question! I really enjoy David Sedaris’s books, so anything from his body of work. I’m also a big fan of edgier, controversial authors like Bret Easton Ellis and Chuck Palahniuk. I think American Psycho and Fight Club are pop culture staples. Of course, Sex and the City spawned an iconic television show so I have to give Carrie Bradshaw, I mean, Candace Bushnell props as well.
What are the top five songs on your coma playlist?
Wait. What’s a coma playlist? Is that music we listen to that puts us asleep? I don’t listen to music when it’s time to go to bed—I normally read myself to sleep—but if I did, it would probably be something new-agey or classical like Craig Armstrong or maybe some old school jazz like Billie Holiday.
Bonus: I’m going to ask the next person I interview one question from you. Give me something worth asking.
What is the most ridiculous lie you’ve ever told and gotten away with?
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