It isn't just what you mean, it's also what I hear

I can hardly credit that someone (in another place) is still saying "but I don't mean anything insulting by the word 'poetess'; I just use it as a useful way of indicating gender, and intention is what matters". No, darlin', because communication happens in two stages: when the words leave your mouth or pen and when they enter my eyes or ears. Whatever esswords like poetess and authoress may mean to you, Mr Man, to a woman they indicate abnormality: that poet=male and woman poet is something so odd and untypical that it needs a special word. It also indicates patronising insult, because it has constantly been used so. A poetess is Patience Strong, someone who writes verses on greetings cards; it is not Louise Glück. An authoress is Barbara Cartland, not Hilary Mantel. And when others frequently use words that way, you don't get to say "but I'm different; I didn't intend to be insulting so you mustn't assume I did". Because words take their colour from how they are generally used. "Idiot" and "cretin" were once neutral medical descriptions; they are now insults, whoever uses them and with whatever intent. That guy who got shot lately while waving a gun in the general direction of the police; maybe he meant no harm. They couldn't know, so they judged his intent by what they'd seen of others in similar circumstances, and so shall I.
</rant>