I don’t know what I want to do with my life

Sometimes, I feel a bit like Julia Roberts in ‘Runaway Bride’. If you never saw that movie, or if you hardly remember it – and I don’t either – it is about a woman who keeps going to get married and keeps running away because she doesn’t really know who she is, and feels really uncomfortable marrying some lovely guy under false pretences, so she would rather leave them at the altar than be dishonest.

I’m like a chameleon. Having garnered a small amount of confidence only recently, and mostly in my role as wife and mother, I find myself bowing first this way, then that, depending on what people say about my writing. About anything, come to that. I live in hope that soon, sharp opinions and criticism will pass me by (Lord, don’t you know my intentions are good, please don’t let me be misunderstood….) and I have stopped expressing these very often, because I know what happens when I do that.  God, it hurts. I sincerely wish to centre myself more solidly, and hope that this will come with time and experience.

I hope that I can soon stand up straight and say, like Clark Gable, Hey, honey, I love you, but frankly, my dear, I don’t GIVE a damn, with the emphasis in all the wrong places and not GIVE a damn…

I know that when we are enjoying our lives, living confidently in our skin, we come closest to living as we are supposed to, and that life tends to conspire gently in that, so long as we have the courage to make the break from fearful thinking, from expectations, wanting and needing.

It occurred to me that I should not scan my emails first, every day. I am safe here and have no need to be on the lookout for danger, predators or difficulty. That behaviour sets up a reactive life, which is inherently uncertain. It would be better to do first what I most wish to do, and allow the rest to take care of itself. I met a man who was comfortable in his own skin, this morning. And I thought, now, his is an example I can follow.

Lotus flower