Shark Repellent
by John Urban
They’re at it again. Great White sharks taking chunks out of surfboards and kayaks, putting fear into beachgoers everywhere. This past weekend a surfer in La Selva Beach, California was knocked off his surfboard by a fifteen-foot white shark. The surfer emerged just fine. Unfortunately, his board is no longer usable.
(Another good board gone to crap.)
This isn’t some random incident. Back home in Massachusetts, two kayakers paddled out of Plymouth earlier this month, intent on getting some GoPro photos of a seal colony. Again, personal injuries were avoided, but the twelve to fourteen foot Great White gave them a shot of adrenaline when it tried to chow-down on one of the kayaks.
(Here’s a glimpse at nature’s Apex Predator)
(The kayak after the shark encounter)
Here at Write On the Water, we are in a position to address this in any one of several ways, including:
1) Adding to the panic by writing graphic shark scenes into our novels;
2) Pointing-out the lunacy of swimming or paddling into a group of seals where sharks are known to feed; and
3) Taking a temporary detour from writing to explore additional ways of financially exploiting shark anxiety.
My own approach is a combination of all of the above, but let’s spend some time on #3, the financial opportunities this provides.
Given my proximity to the beach, my understanding of fish and sea life, and my considerable access to the biotech, health sciences and academic resources that Massachusetts has to offer, I have undertaken research – at considerable personal expense – to identify, test and market an effective shark repellent.
After exploration of numerous beta approaches that relied on testing sound wave technology, electromagnetic pulsing, and various forms of laser transmission, I have identified an over-the-counter product that has been proven to be highly effective in laboratory simulations.
Yes, that is correct, science led me to one of the most odorous compounds known to man, the hockey equipment bag.
In tank tests conducted at the Boston Aquarium, exceptionally small amounts of this organic compound were found to repel sharks of all kinds a full 100% of the time. In fact, it was also effective in repelling moray eels, bluefish, barracuda, snapping turtles, wolves, varmints, paparazzi, and door-to-door salesmen. As with all ground-breaking discoveries, there are some side-effects and initial field tests indicated that beach-going participants became ostracized when wearing the product. Life is, though, all about choices, isn’t it?
Fortunately, there is no waiting time required for FDA or other such approvals. Purchasers are encouraged to place their orders now as demand will likely rise following a planned marketing campaign on the Discovery Network.
Order it here while supplies last.
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