Emotions- Stream of consciousness

My family is going through a loss right now. It's so difficult to lose anyone you love, let alone someone so young. I'm stoic. When you look up the definition of stoic you find it means "a person who can endure pain or hardship without showing their feelings or complaining." I lean toward stoic. This is so weird because of the books I write. I'm told on a weekly basis how my books are full of emotion or made readers feel the emotion of the characters. I wear that as a badge of honor because I love books that make me feel the emotions of the character. If they don't, I feel disconnected and end up not loving the book.

I have been this way (stoic) since I was 18. My emotions were battered that year and I felt every single one of them for months. I think after that I just couldn't do it. I feel things, but I don't show them. When I say I don't, I just mean usually. I cry at funerals...sometimes. I tend to cry at things that don't really matter. I've only cried reading twice, but give me a movie and I cry. It's a weird feeling.
Instead of showing emotion on the outside, I feel turmoil on the inside. I have a digestive disorder due to stress and, I believe, my lack of outward emotion.

I will say this, I do have emotions that I have no problem showing such as anger, ambivalence, amusement, curiosity, happiness, joy, and frustration. You get the point. In self reflecting, I know this is a defense mechanism my brain developed about 20 years ago, that makes me feel old as fuck. I can feel old as fuck, obviously.

I do wonder if this takes a toll on a person, this lack of showing the emotions of sorrow, grief, pain. Sometimes I'm jealous of people who have no problem showing these feelings, my husband is very comfortable with showing this emotions. Then there is me.

When I told my son last night about his cousin passing away he asked me if I was sad. I told him of course I was sad. I loved Amber and I will miss her. He asked if it was okay to cry. I said, "of course you should cry, it'd be weird if you didn't cry. She was your cousin."
This prompted my self reflection. Also, a friend said she wished she could control her emotions, which I am the queen of, and I told her it's a strong person who can let her emotions show.
I think that's right. It's a defense mechanism for me to hide my sorrow, then I release it all into my writing. All of it.

The truth is that you all read my pain, which is camouflaged as a character's in some way. My sorrow is woven through my characters' words and I somehow feel lighter and better. Since I started writing again, I haven't been as sick (digestively speaking). This goes to show you that your body does want those emotions to leave your body in some way. Holding them in is toxic and I wish sometimes that I could just let them go in an appropriate manner. I think another really sad book is brewing, but only after I finish the really funny, sexy Sunshine & Whiskey.