Who Drew the Line?
It was 2009. I was standing in the winding customs and immigration line at Murtala Muhammed International Airport, Lagos. I was tired from the traffic and the check-in process which left me with fewer Naira notes than budgeted. After almost half an hour of waiting in line and getting to know the person in front and behind me more intimately than planned, I stood before the customs officers. I gave the seated officer my green passport while another looked over his shoulder. He opened it and stared for a few seconds. His fellow officer leaned over and they murmured a few words before looking up.
“Adenike Campbell-Fatoki. Why did you compound your name? “
I was amused, or probably too tired to entertain other emotions.
“It’s a personal choice officer,” was my response.
He stamped the passport. His eyes were all-knowing as he handed the passport back. “Hmm, don’t forget home o.”
His eyes told me what his mouth could not say. Was it foreign of me to have kept my maiden and married name? Was this a non-Nigerian or non-African thing to have done? Had I forgotten home? Let me pause for a moment and collect myself. I’ll come back to my answer later as I have more important things to talk about. (What’s in a name anyway?)
Before we (women) entered the professional workforce, we’ve had to juggle motherhood and everything else, be it on the farm, in the market place or 100% on the home front. We were content watching our men and children excel. Our reward lay in their success. The 21st century woman, not so. We were told from a young age we could be anything we wanted to be, after all, the sky is not the limit. We graduated college top of our class and competed for the same jobs with male counterparts.
We juggle motherhood and try not to bend from the pressures that high level jobs bring. We are expected to be at par or better than our male counterparts, after all, we graduated from the same colleges. Anything else would be a waste of investment. So, when and who drew the invisible line? Who set certain societal rules that women cannot or should not do certain things? Gone are the chants ‘what a man can do, a woman can do better.’ Whoever came up with that saying in the first place? Why must there be competition between men and women?
We are besieged by pressure to get married in our twenties, to keep home, kids and husband, clean, well fed and clothes, happy respectively, sometimes at the expense of our health. Who said we have to get married in our twenties? Why not thirties or forties? There are so many places to see and things to do. If it’s not time, why force it?
Who said we can’t keep our maiden names or change to our married names or keep both? People have been known to change their names for many reasons, including religious ones. It’s a personal choice and should not give rise to questions.
Who said we can’t start a second or third career at any age? If it’s your dream, you owe it to yourself to pursue it. Anyone who truly loves you will support you.
Who said we can’t take risks? Our male counterparts do, and if they fail, we are there to pick and dust them off. We are always the cheerleaders; it’s time we become the players.
Who said we can’t speak our mind? At home, at work, anywhere. Your ideas may actually be the best in the room, but only if voiced.
Who said we can’t take time out to hang out with friends, or attend business meetings while our husbands bond with the kids? They do. It’s a partnership, let’s remember that.
Photo credit: Brittanica
At the end of the day, people will only do what we allow them to do. Staring back at the customs officer, I could have blurted out that it was my right to do with my name what I wanted, raise my blood pressure in the process, and prove to everyone on the line that I could speak Queen’s English, but I didn’t. It was, and remains my choice. We limit ourselves when we box ourselves in, skirt around the lines we’ve drawn based on stereotypes and expectations, and give others liberty and power to do so. It’s time to step across the line. It’s time to LIVE.
